Tuesday, February 12, 2008

A Difference In Focus

One of the biggest hurdles I have with dating someone 10 years younger than myself is their focus.

To me, and I hope I can get the backing of women who are older than 24-25 in here, a woman's focus in life isn't as concrete as it is once she reaches that 25 age limit.

Sure, everybody wants to get married with the perfect partner and live happily ever after, but for those women who are older than 25 answer me this: were you ever STRONGLY considering getting married when you were 20? 21? 22?? Did you really want to start a home, raise a family??

I know from my perspective the biggest driving factor in my life during those years was trying to have as much fun as possible - sure, girls were something that I paid a lot of attention to during those years, and I dated some who appealed to the eyes, but I must admit that I never strongly contemplated settling down and getting married at that age.

And I don't think women would be any different at that age group. It's not that it's wrong, it's not a bad thing, we ALL should experience much of life when we're young, because I know now that at my age the body doesn't bounce back as quick as it once used to... and I think as the decades pass it will get harder and harder to bounce back!

Hence the reason why I think when we age our focus changes... especially if we're single as we age. For those that have married, their focus changes too. They may start contemplating kids if they haven't already done so, or maybe a house, but for those of us that are single our focus changes in that we place more emphasis on finding that special someone rather than whatever else may be taking our primary focus - whether that be entertainment, career/prestige, or money.

Time begins to mean a little more to us, especially if friends and our siblings around us are all getting married. Due to time being somewhat against us we apply more filters on our ideal partner profile, by doing so we don't waste the precious commodity of time on people we'd never seriously consider marrying.

Due to this shorter constraint and stringent filters our courtship tends to be shorter (anywhere from 1 year to 2 years) and we'd be more readily accept marriage because of it.

On the flip side though, a 20-year old's priorities is getting through university and possibly starting a career. Their courtship period may be anything from 2 years to 5 years before they'd seriously contemplate marriage, and even then marriage wouldn't really be something seriously considered until after they've settled down in a job... and they definitely wouldn't consider having kids during those years!!

So being someone who is 30 and who's passed through their 20s, I wouldn't want to take away the fun that's to be had when someone is 20. Life can sure be exciting during those years, friends will come and go, valuable learning experiences await at every corner and the world truly is your oyster.

I will concede that there are some *very* mature 20 year olds around, and I will also concede that if Kate Beckinsale were 20 years old I'd probably throw out all the rules and marry her, but I think I'll have better luck finding women who have similar focii (focusesesses??) to me that are older than 24-25 than those younger than 25.

Hence the age filter.

For those that are younger they'd have to do much work on me.

6 comments:

Jen said...

Youre probably going to hate me for the length of this answer...lol

I was hesitant to involve my own personal wants or beliefs into this discusion because I didnt want it seem as though I were selling myself to make a point. However you have left me with no choice. Its either do it here or blog about this myself.

First you drive me crazy!

I realize why you are using age for a filter to determine a woman ready for marriage and children. Youre right most women who are 25 are probably more than willing to strap on a white dress skip happily down an isle and then go forth and produce the 2.5 middle class children you are dreaming of.

My point isnt that they arent at that place in life, because lets face it at 25 if they arent yet with someone..they are thinking its time to get the ball rolling so to speak. So yes Im sure you are definitly going to find more women at that age that are in that frame of mind. My point is that just because they are ready...doesnt make them the right girl.

Does that age magically make them more stable? Does it make them more loyal. More intelligent? Less needy? More mature emotionally or more independant or self secure? Maybe for some..but those might as well have been regardless of their age. right?

I can not speak for every 21 year old girl. I am a girl who is going to school not so much because she desires a career..as because she wants to be able to stand on her own two feet. If she meets a guy she wants to be an asset to his life. She wants to be able to help him build that life emotionally as well as finacially.

But to me..the most important thing to have or strive for is finding the right person to share that life with. Because with the right person...and the right foundation anything is possible.

I want a guy who is kind. One who will treat me with respect and value me as his partner. One who will allow me to care for him as wel as about him. One who accepts me as I stand flaws and all...and I can do the same for him. I do not want a guy I feel has to be changed or raised. That was his parents job and shouldnt be mine.

I want a guy who wants the old fashioned things like kids and a home. Who wont mind producing them and then participate in rasing them. A guy who sees the world in a similar way as I do. Who desires the same kinds of things out of life. Who is with me not because he feels an obligation thru marriage or relationship...but because he can think of no other person he wants to spend his time with. Because I make him laugh and feel peaceful inside.

I am easy going. I dont care for drama..or conflict. I dont feel the need to randomly date this one or that one to try people on for size. I am the sort of person who takes a long time to fall for someone but when I do...I do not easily give up on them. Unless of course Im asked to. I believe marriage is forever and the words I love you shouldnt be said lightly.

I do not desire casual sex or relationships...as Id rather wait for the real thing to come a long. I also believe that the real thing takes time. It is not something that happens at a glance, but develops as two people find out about each other. If its real it grows and gets better. And just like all things that are right..if its real..it brings you peace.

Jen said...

Scared you with this one huh? lol

Ryan said...

I'm writing something, but it'll be a finished work for you tomorrow...

;op

Ryan said...

Ok Jen, strap yourself in, here we go...

First you drive me crazy! Don't worry I seem to have this effect on women! I don't know whether it's a talent or a curse... I guess it just depends on what I'm driving and who's sitting on the passenger's side with me!! LOL

And I'm glad you understood my reasoning behind the age filter. It's not something I just flippantly draw a line in the sand about, it has come through experience and observing the experience of others.

My point is that just because they are ready...doesnt make them the right girl. I totally agree.

If she meets a guy she wants to be an asset to his life. She wants to be able to help him build that life emotionally as well as finacially. Nice. It reminds me of something a marriage counsellor once told me about what he notices amongst couples who marry nowadays... each expects the other to change, they have the wrong attitude, they look at the other partner and ask "what are you giving to give me?", but never: "what can I do for you?"

But to me..the most important thing to have or strive for is finding the right person to share that life with... I totally agree.

...That was his parents job and shouldnt be mine. Nice. Excellent point. Oh, and I agree... again.

I want a guy who wants the old fashioned things like kids and a home. Who wont mind producing them and then participate in rasing them. A guy who sees the world in a similar way as I do. Who desires the same kinds of things out of life. Who is with me not because he feels an obligation thru marriage or relationship...but because he can think of no other person he wants to spend his time with. Because I make him laugh and feel peaceful inside. Ok now you're starting to scare me a little because you're sounding a little like me.

I am easy going. I dont care for drama..or conflict. I dont feel the need to randomly date this one or that one to try people on for size. I am the sort of person who takes a long time to fall for someone but when I do...I do not easily give up on them. Unless of course Im asked to. I believe marriage is forever and the words I love you shouldnt be said lightly. Yup. It's confirmed - I'm definitely scared. (LOL) And I agree girl. You're preaching to the converted here.

I do not desire casual sex or relationships...as Id rather wait for the real thing to come a long. I also believe that the real thing takes time. It is not something that happens at a glance, but develops as two people find out about each other. If its real it grows and gets better. And just like all things that are right..if its real..it brings you peace. And I agree...

So why did you stop?? I wanted to see how freakishly similar we are. (ROFL)

You're spot on girl.



So what are we arguing about again??

Jen said...

LOL
Im not sure now.

If you had just told me I was right to begin with you would have saved yourself so much time :P

Ryan said...

No, it was much more fun driving you crazy!

:o)