Sunday, August 26, 2007

Relax As You Slowly Evaporate Away

Yesterday I set out on an arduous mission. A mission most men struggle with throughout their entire lives... and that is...

Finding a present for a woman.

Thankfully though there has been one great ingenuity in the shopping industry that has helped mankind conquer this dilemma, and that is: gift vouchers. However, I believe gift vouchers should be the item of last resort and I always make an effort to go hunting first before selecting the default gift.

So, with that I went hunting with Willo to find a gift for my sister's 25th birthday (which is to happen next Sunday).

After spending the first hour searching for things *I* needed, we set out and began looking through departments fit for womankind.

Now I personally don't go buying ANY woman clothes, there are several reasons for this:
1. I'm colourblind. If you want me to buy you a red dress, there's a 50% chance you'll either get a red dress or a brown one as they both look the same to me!
2. I wouldn't have a clue how sizes work. With blokes it's simply M, L, XL, and XXL, with women you've got numbers, letters, and sometimes hieroglyphics - totally confusing.
3. I only know simple jargon such as dress, skirt, bikini and top... I don't have a clue about anything else. So if you ask me to get a flip-flop-sash-tied-cartigan-pocketed-panty-collarless-doily you've lost me.

So with clothing cut out of the equation my shopping field was cut down quite considerably. It wasn't until I aimlessly wandered around the shopping mall that I bumped into these massage things.

"Would you like to try it sir, we have a 20% discount as this will be our last day."

To be honest I had walked passed these things hundreds of times before and I had always been a little hesitant about the whole concept, especially considering that they seemed so small for a big bloke such as myself!

"I don't think I'd be able to fit in," I said.

"Oh you'll be fine," she replied and motioned me to get in.

I waved Willo over and said that we'd try the 5 minute "quickie" just to at least say that we had tried it. And with we were given some simple instructions, took our shoes off and hopped in.

And to my surprise I was pleasantly massaged by these water jet thingies as they pulsated on my back. I let the soothing music calm me down and I watched an aquatic DVD play several inches from my face.

Hmm, I thought, I wonder if maybe my sister would want one of these babies in the living room?

But no sooner had I begun to get into the groove of things did the 5 minutes of fun end. Drat. But it seemed Willo was enjoying himself too much and didn't want to get out...

"Go another 15," he mumbled and they placed the pod back down on top of us and we lingered another 15.

Over the next 15 minutes I was SO relaxed that I fell asleep and began losing all muscular control on my face causing me to drool onto the DVD screen...

(Thankfully the thing was water-proof and I didn't short-circuit it!)

Throughout the remainder of the session though I was beginning to get a little hot as the temperature of the water was quite warm. I unfortunately began to break out in sweat and hoped that by the time this thing had finished I hadn't evaporated into steam!!

But sure enough, just before things were beginning to get a little too uncomfortable the machine ended (I even thought I heard a microwave *ding* sound as the pod's hood lifted!?).

Willo on the other hand loved every minute of it and probably would've stayed there all day and night...

Unfortunately it was probably the worst thing I could've done because after it I was feeling rather light-headed and I even had great difficulty trying to remember where I parked the car! I was *that* relaxed that if you had bumped into me you could've sworn I was on drugs!

But after all that. I was still clueless... and just a little hotter and more relaxed.

So it looks like I'll have to continue shopping during this week.



danish said...

Ryan, you're too funny! Your clothing issues had me laughing much XD

Women's clothes are very complicated, even for women. I think that the name of an article of clothing varies depending on who you talk to as well. O.o

I've never tried one of those massagy-capsule things. They look interesting though!

But as far as a gift goes... maybe I can brainstorm a bit to help. If you know your sister's tastes, you could try earrings or some kinda jewelery maybe? Or chocolates? My brainstorming didn't go as well as I thought it would.. sorry. >_<

I usually just parade around until I see the thing that just screams the person I'm looking for. It usually works. Good luck though!! :D

mandy said...

You are a mess dear boy. I have to agree with danish about a gift for your sister. Something sentimental for your sister would be really nice. Or, if you're like my brothers, (and you totally are) get her a really funny gift that will make her smile everytime she sees it.

Good luck!