Sunday, August 26, 2007

Relax As You Slowly Evaporate Away

Yesterday I set out on an arduous mission. A mission most men struggle with throughout their entire lives... and that is...

Finding a present for a woman.

Thankfully though there has been one great ingenuity in the shopping industry that has helped mankind conquer this dilemma, and that is: gift vouchers. However, I believe gift vouchers should be the item of last resort and I always make an effort to go hunting first before selecting the default gift.

So, with that I went hunting with Willo to find a gift for my sister's 25th birthday (which is to happen next Sunday).

After spending the first hour searching for things *I* needed, we set out and began looking through departments fit for womankind.

Now I personally don't go buying ANY woman clothes, there are several reasons for this:
1. I'm colourblind. If you want me to buy you a red dress, there's a 50% chance you'll either get a red dress or a brown one as they both look the same to me!
2. I wouldn't have a clue how sizes work. With blokes it's simply M, L, XL, and XXL, with women you've got numbers, letters, and sometimes hieroglyphics - totally confusing.
3. I only know simple jargon such as dress, skirt, bikini and top... I don't have a clue about anything else. So if you ask me to get a flip-flop-sash-tied-cartigan-pocketed-panty-collarless-doily you've lost me.

So with clothing cut out of the equation my shopping field was cut down quite considerably. It wasn't until I aimlessly wandered around the shopping mall that I bumped into these massage things.

"Would you like to try it sir, we have a 20% discount as this will be our last day."

To be honest I had walked passed these things hundreds of times before and I had always been a little hesitant about the whole concept, especially considering that they seemed so small for a big bloke such as myself!

"I don't think I'd be able to fit in," I said.

"Oh you'll be fine," she replied and motioned me to get in.

I waved Willo over and said that we'd try the 5 minute "quickie" just to at least say that we had tried it. And with we were given some simple instructions, took our shoes off and hopped in.

And to my surprise I was pleasantly massaged by these water jet thingies as they pulsated on my back. I let the soothing music calm me down and I watched an aquatic DVD play several inches from my face.

Hmm, I thought, I wonder if maybe my sister would want one of these babies in the living room?

But no sooner had I begun to get into the groove of things did the 5 minutes of fun end. Drat. But it seemed Willo was enjoying himself too much and didn't want to get out...

"Go another 15," he mumbled and they placed the pod back down on top of us and we lingered another 15.

Over the next 15 minutes I was SO relaxed that I fell asleep and began losing all muscular control on my face causing me to drool onto the DVD screen...

(Thankfully the thing was water-proof and I didn't short-circuit it!)

Throughout the remainder of the session though I was beginning to get a little hot as the temperature of the water was quite warm. I unfortunately began to break out in sweat and hoped that by the time this thing had finished I hadn't evaporated into steam!!

But sure enough, just before things were beginning to get a little too uncomfortable the machine ended (I even thought I heard a microwave *ding* sound as the pod's hood lifted!?).

Willo on the other hand loved every minute of it and probably would've stayed there all day and night...

Unfortunately it was probably the worst thing I could've done because after it I was feeling rather light-headed and I even had great difficulty trying to remember where I parked the car! I was *that* relaxed that if you had bumped into me you could've sworn I was on drugs!

But after all that. I was still clueless... and just a little hotter and more relaxed.

So it looks like I'll have to continue shopping during this week.


Thursday, August 23, 2007

My Current Addiction

Okay, right now I'm addicted.

It was only a couple of weeks ago I deleted my MySpace account that I discovered FaceBook. I had heard about it on the news and didn't think much of it, but after receiving a recommendation from a friend I decided to check it out.

But going back to MySpace, I decided to delete my account as I found it too "teeny" - and surfing the thing was a nightmare (just try and open up several MySpace sites in FireFox and crank your sound up!). Added to that I also constantly received spam from some chic in the States who was adamant I'd enjoy her "photos" that she couldn't display on MySpace (hmm, I wonder if they were photos of her bonsai trees?).

After continually deleting her emails one day I wrote her back saying in a somewhat pleasant tone "Please go away". And oddly enough she did... but then four new ones took over in the space of a week.


So frustrated with the whole MySpace thing (which I think tries to be everything and in the end is just a mess) a friend told me to join FaceBook.

And while getting the hang of it at the start was a little weird, I've got to say I'm totally hooked.

What I enjoy the most about it is that you can search for people by their REAL name! It's been great connecting up with old friends... in fact I was shocked to see how many of my old friends are using it!!

And what I enjoy most about it is it's simplicity. I don't have to worry about finding the coolest layout, or blocking pop-up ads, or any of the other crap I had to endure at MySpace.

I can just chill and connect with all my friends and keep them informed with what I'm up to.

It's easy.

So beware folks... if you haven't used FaceBook you will eventually, and when you do, you're going to be hooked.

Watch out.

(And hey watch out for us and give us a poke if you're browsing by... you might be able to put names to faces - even a certain someone beginning with K who has been mentioned in here throughout the last several months... anyhoo, enuff said... JOIN IT!)

Friday, August 17, 2007

John Forest: The Return

So last weekend I ventured back into the jungle (okay, scrub) and this time I made doubly sure that I had recharged my cameras batteries... and I also took Dan who tested his camera out as well.

Thankfully there was no, uh, Adam & Eve re-enactments from the previous week.

Anyhoo, here are some of the photos that were taken during the day... the first is of the rocky outcrop at the top of the hill...

Dan is that lens in your pocket or are you just happy to, uh, see me?

I literally had to swim in the middle of the falls to take this shot... okay, so I had to hop, skip and jump on a few rocks, but it was still tricky...

... and being the ferocious fotographer Dan hops, skips and jumps to the perfect foto spot too...

... butt there's only enough room for one...

Anyhoo, it's getting late so I'm off to bed, and what better way to end it than taking a photo of a flower that we found already in its flannelette pyjamas...

And that's it!

I wonder how picturesque John Forest will be in spring?

How To Impress The Hot New Sandwich Specialist

I had to laugh throughout this week during lunch break.

See, there's a relatively hot new young chic who works at the local Subway store and for some "strange" reason there's been a large influx of blokes that have been having a new healthy alternative for lunch.

What once took me only 2 minutes to have my sandwich served and ready by a specialist now takes me 15 minutes!!!

But the reason I laugh is because of how some guys have tried to impress by doing such subtle things as:
1. Crossing their arms and flexing them being sure she sees their big... uh... big... errr... veins that pop out of their forehead?? (I think they're trying to show off their big arms.)
2. When she asks if they would like halapinos in their sandwich they reply with, "Oh yes, I'll have an extra serving of them."
3. When asked if they would like a cookie they reply with, "Only if they're as sweet as you."

Yes it's quite funny. I've even thought of doing my own "tool of the week", I can see it now...

HER: Hi sir, what would you like today?
ME: (thinking: You?) Foot long honey oat with chicken teriyaki please.
ME (to phone): Hello?
HER: Would you like that toasted, sir?
ME (to her): Yes thanks.
ME (to phone): G'day Jim. How are you?
HER: What cheese would you like, sir?
ME (to her): No cheese thanks.
ME (to phone): Oh yes, and how are we going with that *multi-million* dollar deal?
ME (to phone): Oh ok, would you like me to come over and help finalise the deal? I can get in my *private jet* and can be there in 30 minutes if you like [ME PULLS OUT ROLEX WATCH AND LOOKS AT IT]?
HER: What salads would like please?
ME (to her): Everything please.
ME (to phone): Okay then well it sounds like you've got everything under control. Are you coming to my penthouse party tonight?
HER: Halapinos okay sir?
ME (to her): Oh yes, certainly.
ME (to phone): Well Jim I can come pick you up in my *Ferrari* if you like...
HER: Sauce?
ME (to her): Sweet onion... but only if it's as sweet as you. [ME WINKS AT HER.]
ME (to phone): Ok Jim, I've got to go, I'll see you tonight at the *exclusive members-only club* at Kings Park for drinks then.
HER: Would you like any cookies, sir?
ME: No thanks dear, I need to keep my figure trim.
HER: Uh, do you have anything smaller?
ME: No, I'm sorry, I've *only* got hundred dollar bills. [OPENS WALLET AND FLICKS THROUGH $100 BILLS TO SHOW HER.]
HER: Well okay, here's your change of $88.35 in 5c pieces.
ME LEAVES WITH A HEAVY POCKET... and possibly a heavy heart.


Yep, it's quite easy to entertain myself as I wait in line for 15 minutes thinking what to do.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Just Another Walk In The Park Really

It was too beautiful a day to not do something in the glorious sunshine.

It had been hidden all week and my body screamed for some vitamin D.

With the whirlwind trip of the world nearing soon I wanted to go and test my camera that had been given to me as a birthday present last year, but which I really hadn't used much since Albany.

So armed with my camera, a backpack, a towel, and plenty of water I decided I'd go and frolic around at John Forest National Park... it had been ages since I had been last, and with the rain that we had had over the past few weeks maybe some of the falls were flowing too!

Excitedly I contacted Dan to see if he'd be interested in coming along (as he too had just recently purchased a camera for our world tour), but a bad bout of the gastro bug from his "loving" wife saw him sidelined for the day (or a week).

Anyhoo, finding an entrance to the park from the eastern side (Roland Rd) wasn't as easy as I what I thought. Several pathways looked like they led to the park, but people insisted they were their driveways and told me that it was private property.

"Didn't you read the sign?"

"What sign?"

"The private property sign at the front?"

"Oh... I thought that the sign was just someone's private property," I said sheepishly as I quickly darted off down the road.

Eventually though I found a public parking place, and set out on my photographic hiking adventure. I couldn't wait to take some photos of the place.

It didn't take long before I found my first photo opportunity - the river had water flowing through it! Woohoo!

I quickly grabbed my camera out of its case, turned it on, aimed and...



a little red light in the image of a battery flashed on the screen.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

I didn't want to waste any more time so I quickly took a shot. I didn't know how much power was left, but I knew when things start flashing I've probably only got a few shots. It was when I found my next spot, which had an even better view of the river that my camera didn't want to flash no more.


Although I had my mobile phone's camera to aide me I knew it wasn't going to be much help considering its focus never worked.

BUT, I wasn't going to let a pair of batteries get me down. It was a glorious day, and I wanted to do some exploring... so I departed from the beaten track, and went wilderness wandering.

And it was great.

I found a small brook and took a few sips of its cool clear water (which actually tasted very nice until I noticed rabbit poo lying everywhere further upstream) and I also found a few rocky outcrops that I just HAD to climb.

Upon reaching what I thought was the highest point in John Forest I looked around for other rocky outcrops to climb, but found none... so, I wandered back down the hill.

It was as I was walking down the large hill back to the beaten track that I noticed a young couple sitting on one of the first rocky outcrops I climbed on my journey up. They had set out a rug on the flat face and were having a nice secret romantic day in the sun.

As I continued my descent I was a little perplexed on how I was going to handle this. I mean, I didn't want to startle them, yet the only painless way back down was by going down past them, otherwise I'd have to find other means through thorny bushes and the like.

The guy may be about to propose or something! And knowing my perfect timing I'd probably come in from the thicket and scare them half to death...

"Aiiieeee... a bunyip!"

Then I began thinking that maybe I should sing a song and hope that they hear it while I'm a ways off? Or maybe I should cough a lot?

I decided that maybe the best thing was for them to see me. So I stood on a smaller rock and kind-of looked around like a tourist hoping they'd observed me. Occasionally I'd look down in their direction to see if they had noticed me, but each glance didn't show any signs that they had seen me, in fact, with what I was wearing (brown t-shirt, beige shorts - they could be pink for all I know?!) I knew I was pretty well camouflaged. And they were too busy observing if anyone was coming up the hill rather than anyone coming down the hill.

What to do? What to do?

As I stood on the rock for a couple of minutes pondering my best plan of attack I noticed the bloke pull out his camera and arrange the rug they had laid out.

Was he going to propose??

As I continued to watch to see what was about to ensue, he quickly whisked his top off!!

Just as quick as he whisked his top off had I similarly crouched down in shock... unfortunately though this left me a little unbalanced and I fell backwards off the rock and landed on a small thorny bush which broke my fall.


From this position I really didn't want to know what was going on, but my mind raced away regardless: maybe he's just getting a tan? Maybe he's proposing and the engagement ring is attached to his nipple? Maybe they're playing "Simon Says"...?

Ahhh--ya... so as I laid there on the thorny bush it didn't take long before a point was made (well, several points were made, but only one inside my head)... I had to devise another way down the hill as going past the love birds was now no longer an option.

As I traversed back down the hill albeit via many thorns and prickles I just hoped that those love birds knew the sacrifices I had to make to get back on the beaten track.

Thankfully the remainder of the trip wasn't that bad. The river was flowing which produced a small waterfall like feature. I tried taking a few shots with my mobile camera, but felt somewhat inferior to those who were taking photos of the scenery with REAL cameras.

On the return trip back to the car I noticed two bikes in the bush where I originally went off the beaten track. And as I looked up the hill I noticed the two love birds leering at me from atop the rocky outcrop.

Hmm, I wonder if they ever did notice me? Or maybe they're just checking me out hoping I don't steal their bikes?

Either way I quickly moved on.

When I returned to my Betsy I vowed that I'd return again on another sunny weekend day... but this time I'd make doubly sure my batteries aren't flat.

Hopefully next time I can actually take photos with my camera... aaah, not of the love birds by the way... not that kind of photography... just of everything else. And maybe next time I wont go off the beaten track!


Tuesday, August 07, 2007


I'd first just like to thank everyone for their emails, comments, prayers and stuff throughout the last few weeks.

It's been quite a rollercoaster ride for all those involved.

As a quick update to my last post: the hospital ordeal went fine the surgery performed went well (albeit rather painful for the person involved), whereas the court ordeal didn't go too well.

Thankfully it's no prison sentence or anything to the "guilty" party, but there is a large bill to pay... hence the busy-ness. (I initially wrote business instead of busy-ness there, but it kinda seemed a little strange... business? He's in a prison sentencing business?? Ah, no.)

Apart from that we've had some really strange weather down here... it's actually been raining!? Really raining. I've almost wondered whether I should start building an ark or something!

"But isn't it winter down there?"

Yeah it is, but Perth hasn't been notiorious throughout the last decade for having too much rain in the winter, and its been raining non-stop for weeks (maybe it's tears from heaven for all those who miss reading my blog!! ROFL!!)

But last weekend we finally had some sunny weather and I was just bursting to get out and do something... so I went for a little hike through our John Forest National Park.

And I'm hoping that later tonight I'll be able to post something about my little adventure as there was an... err... umm... awkward moment to say the least.

I guess you'll have to wait and see.


But thanks again for everyone's emails, comments and prayers, I'm looking forward to catching up with all the stuff I've missed on your blogs throughout the past few weeks.