Monday, March 12, 2007

A Pain In The Ass

I'm in a little pain at the moment.

I've got a bruise the size of a tennis ball on my upper ass.

It hurts to sit down.

How did I get in this painful predicament?

On Saturday night I went with a group of friends from church to Adventure World - a mini fun park in Perth fit with water slides, a pretty crap rollercoaster ride and a slow go-cart track. I used to live near this park when I was young so during my younger years I was a regular attendee - until I got bored with it... which didn't take too long.

Saturday though saw me break a 6 year drought at this place... and things had slightly improved, although it was still quite easy to get bored.

Anyhoo, the ride that killed my ass was the single tube slides. We all grabbed our tubes, jumped into the water and began our descent down the slide.

First thing I noticed when I jumped into my tube was how deflated it was... it was like laying on a mat with a hole in it! Oh well, too late to turn back now as the teenage slide attendant grabbed my tube and threw me down the first rapid.



I had flipped over in the first pool after hitting the first bump and when I came up for air I had someone's foot firmly planted in my face. The teenager above was throwing people down the rapids at a rate of knots... and there I was stuck in the pool's whitewater. Eventually someone hit me powerful enough that saw me pop out of the whitewater... although my tube was still left behind!

Bumping down the next set of rapids trying to reach my tube (which slowly followed behind) I ended up in another pool, although this time I easily found myself able to stand - only waiting for my tube to follow. I saw others popping out from the previous whitewater so I quickly grabbed my tube, jumped into it and dove down the next set of rapids... that proved to be a big ass mistake!

Firstly, I found that you should never jump into a tube espeically a flat one and one where you're ass can easily act as a park brake, and secondly, you should never speed down a set of rapids - especially a sharp sloped one with a narrow end.


Yep, I can picture it all happening in slow mo right now. As soon as I hit the narrow part of the rapids I was spat out like a curry poopie and ended up in a shallow whitewater grave that didn't have just one bump that hit me in the right spot, but three of the little suckers.




Two for each cheek, and one for... yeah... you get the idea.

Again I flipped over in the deeper pool at the end of the bumps and I guess I was a sight to see for the rest coming down... just a big ass hanging in the air with a pink plastic wrapper around it!

Another kick to my tube turned me back upright, and I heard others wince in pain as they traveled down the same rippled area.

"Ow, ow, ow..." winced one.

"Arr, argh, ah... oh my... that actually felt quite good..." said one bloke in a pair of budgie smuglers!


I gingerly stood up and began rubbing my ass a little, but when I saw the budgie smugler bloke enjoying the view I quickly hightailed it out of there and jumped back into my tube. This time I thought I'd done the smart thing and jumped onto my tube with my stomach, but this proved quite dangerous for my... umm... future as another narrow rapid spat me out into a shallow pool.

Thankfully there were no bumpy bits, and thankfully I was able to stay on my tube! However, that didn't last long when I was sucked down the last large rapid that ended up in the large pool: my tube got knocked out from underneath me by the bloke with the crazy feet and as it sped away I soon found myself on my stomach sliding down the last bump and into the water.

Thankfully my tube awaited me at the bottom of the sharp rapid and helped break my fall... if you can call that "helped" when your head and arms end up in three different dislocated directions!

Ah, Adventure World, how could one ever get bored here?


Likalia said...


*turns away trying not to laugh*

danish said...


Ryan, that's amazing.

You have got to be the next evolution of the human race or something, because others may not have survived if faced with such rear trauma.

Though I'm ever so slightly jealous that you got to go play in a water park! *happy sigh* Those things are fun.

Hope your rear feels um... better... x_x