Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Wishing You All A Merry Merry Christmas

I'd just like to send all of you who frequently visit my blog the best of wishes for Christmas this year... especially those on my Hall of Fame who've cared to add some words of wisdom, or have shared in the laughter by adding a couple of comments in here.

And as you probably all know I'm off to Albany during this festive season, so I'm not likely to be back here until next year - in fact this will probably be my last post for the year (as I'm flat out).

So to FJ, Jen, Mandy, Katrina, Ali (if you're still there?), Dana, & Victoria have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I'll see you all when I get back.

PS - did I mention that Karina was a last minute addition to our little group staying in Albany?? She'll be staying with us for the first couple of nights before heading back up to Perth to celebrate Christmas and New Year's with family and friends (considering she hasn't doesn't so for the last couple of years because of all her travels). It will be interesting to see whether she's all of a sudden single or perhaps just "looking" (to upgrade?), and whether she really does have a strong intense personality (which I'm not attracted to), or whether it's just nerves.

Anyhoo, I'm sure it will make for interesting blogging when I get back!

Gift Wrapped?

On Sunday night I went to dinner with a group of friends in South Perth (at Mends Street Cafe) and when we had finished eating we pulled out onto Mill Point Road and came across this scene...

What an idiot!

Obviously Santa gave my Ferrari last year to the wrong person!

The email that came with the photos went as follows...

If your $300K Ferrari doesn't get you enough attention from the opposite sex what do you do?

Line up a traffic light in front of the busiest beer garden in South Perth!

These pics were taken yesterday at about 8pm. Apparently the driver had a heavy session at the Windsor then took off from the BP petrol station [ME: that's where we saw his car when we drove into South Perth], losing control and sliding straight into the traffic light.

Police were promptly on the scene, where the driver was breathalysed and subsequently arrested.

DUI means his insurance would be null and void.

What's that saying??

Pride comes before a... traffic light???

Dear Santa

I've been a REALLY good boy this year (as all the blog posts in here can testify).

Unfortunately I've moved since last year and the house I'm in this year doesn't have a chimney, so I cannot offer you a healthy meal - unless, of course, you can climb through aircon vents??

Add to the fact that I wont even be at home during Christmas and you can no doubt imagine what my request will be: could you please deliver my Christmas presents a little early... preferably Thursday night while I'm asleep, as I leave Friday morning for Albany.

As you know Santa, I'm a simple bloke. I don't demand much. In fact, with all the goodness I've done throughout the year, I'm sure my Christmas wish will be a bargain.

So, without further ado, here is what I'd like this Christmas...
  • One Tesla Roadster please - I didn't get the Ferrari last year so I thought I'd lower my expectations a little and get something more practical, and better.

  • Kate Beckinsale... if she's available could you please drop her off. I don't mind if you have to wake me when you deliver her, I'm sure I wont be able to sleep Thursday night anyway!

  • If Kate isn't available could you possibly get Livinia Nixon. I know she's single.

See! I'm not such a fussy bloke.

Anyway, I'll leave the back door open and the back light on so that you can easily get in and out... just leave the booty in the lounge room on the floor if you happen to find it - otherwise anywhere will do.

From your good little boy down under,


Saturday, December 16, 2006


Found an interesting quote that complements this post I made a couple of days ago.

There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up.

-Booker T. Washington


Friday, December 15, 2006


Today was a very difficult day... I spent it on a 40ft yacht at Rottnest Island snorkeling around Rotto's reefs and lounging around on the yacht's bow trying to get a sun tan.

It was great.

I even applied copious amounts of sunscreen to ensure I wouldn't get sunburnt, but I don't think I was too successful.

Hmm, the sunscreen directions say that I have to reapply every 3 hours... does that mean if I apply it on twice, right now, I have to only reapply it every 6 hours?

Well that didn't work.

But the funniest part of the afternoon came when we were to set sail for home. As Kylie and Florence made their way to the bow where all the men were peacefully enjoying some sun they decided to bring up the anchor by winding the anchor's winch and grabbing the anchor's heavy chain.

Or so they thought.

As they struggled away trying to move the thing all the boys egged them on to keep trying harder and harder.

After several grunts and groans they eventually gave up... amidst chuckles from the boys.

"How do you get the anchor up?" asked Kylie frustrated that after all her efforts the thing just wouldn't budge.

"It's motorised," replied Aaron maybe a little too bluntly.

The boys erupted into laughter.

"Well thanks for telling us," left the girls in disgust rubbing their sore hands.

Hehehe [evil laugh]

But then something odd happened... the motorised anchor wouldn't work! In fact the exact opposite happened - it let out more chain!!


We tried some adjusting on the motorised winch, but it still didn't work - the chain just wouldn't catch... and every attempt let out more and more chain.

In the end us three boys had to winch the anchor in by hand!

... all to the choral chuckling of the 6 girls at the back of the yacht.


(And gee there was a lot of chain.)

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Minority Report

I have a plan.

Before the next election I'm going to set up a political party. I don't know what my party would be about, probably nothing, but provided I get one or two votes I'd be assured of becoming the next prime minister of Australia!

I can picture it now.

Think I'm crazy?

Well, apparently not. It seems minority groups run this country nowadays.


Last week I read an article in our local newspaper about how schools are no longer doing nativity plays because it MAY offend one or two people who don't want to celebrate Christ's birth. Therefore, in the interests of the one or two people who MAY be offended the public schools have scratched nativity plays.

Of course the minority could have withdrawn their children from this extra-curricular activity, which no one would have objected to, but unfortunately everyone now gets to go without.

So, if the majority have to do what the minority want then I'm strongly thinking about setting up a small political party to run this country! Of course we'd have to cap the number of members at a minority number whatever that figure is (although I suppose you couldn't have any more than 49.9%).

Not only is this strange thing happening in schools, but I've heard some stores (such as GAP) also no longer use the term "Christmas" anywhere in the store... it's just replaced with Holidays. So instead of Happy Christmas we get Happy Holidays. And again this action is done because it's in the best interests of the minority's feelings - we don't want to offend that small minority group who should've known better about coming to Australia because that's just what we do.

In fact I'm tempted to go into a GAP store and ask several questions...

1. What are the holidays we are celebrating about? (Every other public holiday we have is for a reason, so what is this one?)


2. What is the current year? (2006 represents the year since Christ's birth. So if you're not willing to recognise Christ in any way shape or form, especially his birth, then what year is it?)

Monday, December 11, 2006

The True Nature Of The Beast

I don't think I ever mentioned it before, but during the rocky relationship Chris had with his ex there were moments where I'd see his ex say things that I personally detested.

These things would be such where if a person had something that was slightly abnormal she'd pick it out and make fun of it.

One such night in Freo, we were eating at a restaurant and she began laughing at some lady's weight, a guy's large nose, and some other lady's hairstyle.

VERY immature stuff... and yet my mate was dating this low life form (love truly is blind)!

It was as if by highlighting these things she was hoping that everyone would turn around and glorify how perfect she was!

Yeah, pretty low stuff, huh?

At the end of the night I couldn't even hold it back anymore and told her to shut up in an angry tone. Chris saw my aggravation and quietened her down.

I wasn't a happy chappy that night believe me. The next day I told Chris in no uncertain terms how superficial and shallow this woman was.

Fast forward to a week or so later, and the relationship ended.

"It's off for good this time," Chris said.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I told her pretty much the stuff you talked about. I told her how immature she was, and how you hated her..."

"Whoa whoa!" I stopped him, "I don't hate anyone. Hate is a strong word, just as love is. Dude, I never said I hated her."

"Oh," he thought about it for a moment, and then I began to wonder whether I came across a little too strong when I talked about her that night, "well, anyway, can you believe she said that she only got that immature stuff from me!"

Fast forward to Melbourne, and this immature 5-year old nature reared its ugly head... but from him!

I kept to myself during his tirades, but upon reflecting about the two incidents I began to wonder whether his ex may have done the things she did to try and impress him.

Maybe she was right.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Finishing up my series on Melbourne there are two other things I'd like to mention...

THE GOOD: Well that's easy, it was the U2 concert. It would've been great if Channel 9 had got back to me about watching a Temptation episode, but they never did... maybe they read this blog and thought I was some Livinia freak!

THE BAD: (Where do I possibly start??) And not to forget the episode we had trying to catch a train to Chadstone...

You'd think buying a ticket, finding the right platform and catching the train would be a simple process in Melbourne, but nOOoOoOoooooo.

"Tickets are this way, dude," I said pointing to the sign that pointed left.

Upon walking for several minutes...

Okay, we've now walked out of the station? I don't see anything??

"Did you see any other sign?" I asked Chris looking around for the magic words "TICKETS HERE", but to no avail.

"How about I just ask someone?" he said stating it as if it should've been our first option.

Good idea.

But did you think that was easy??

Okay, how about we ask someone who looks like they're a local AND can speak English?

Again, it proved very difficult, and even when we received another pointed direction from someone who looked like they worked at the station we were again walking outside.

"Are we just blind?" I asked confused that we were missing the bleeding obvious, "we're probably on candid camera or something."

We're going to be the laughing stock on Melbourne TV tonight I can feel it.

But alas, we eventually found it: it was behind the big construction sign, tucked away in the corner behind the toilets. If it hadn't been for the fact that I asked someone IN the toilets I don't think we ever would've made it.

And then there was the catching-the-right-train ordeal.

I don't know what it is with Melbourne but in Perth you can easily find which train you want to go on because on the front of the train an illuminated message shows where the train is going.

All trains at the platform we were told to go on read "City Loop".

"Is this the one?" I asked Chris, who had studiously grabbed a timetable booklet.


Reading the thing was again a complicated matter. One versed in quantum physics would have had no worries divulging what was trying to be said.

"Quick dude, it's going to go."

"What time is it?" he asked.


For a moment there it felt like we were on the Amazing Race. Chris traced his finger down the timetable...

"Yep, if this is the 11:47 train it's the one!"

We quickly jumped on.

Big mistake.

Who thinks that trains run according to their scheduled time?

Anyone? Anyone?

We ended up catching the wrong train, and ended up in some unknown forbidden part of town...

We waited for about half an hour before we finally caught the right train (which also said "City Loop"?!?).

Thankfully there were no other dramas on our way to Chadstone, and after all that effort there really wasn't anything exciting at Chadstone anyway.


THE UGLY: Another funny episode occurred when the four of us went to Essendon's DFO (Direct Factory Outlet). Emma, being the only chic in the group, was in her element here with shops selling discount stuff left, right and center.

However, the incident we had was with a Pakastani cab driver we had on our way back to the hotel.

After instructing the driver where we needed to go he never seemed quite certain.

"King Street in the city," said one.

"It runs off Bourke street," said another.

I think with everyone talking at once it probably confused the poor guy more.

"The Kingsgate Hotel... King Street," I said.

"Ok ok," he acknowledged.

It wasn't until we were driving away from the city that we all began to ask whether he knew where he was going.

"Hey mate, King Street in the city," yelled Chris from the back seat of the taxi van pointing to the city that we had now passed.

It didn't twig, but the guy did an illegal U-turn and began driving back to the city.

We might be tourists, but we're not *that* dumb - our hotel's in the city.

When he finally found the right road, Chris again yelled from the back...

"You need to get into the left-most lane, mate."

The guy stayed in the right-most lane.

We neared our destination, and Chris yelled a little louder...

"You need to get into the left-most lane, mate."

Again, no change, he drove in the same lane.

Aaron now tried, "Mate our stop is just up there," pointing to the Kingsgate, "you need to get over."

I don't know what was going through this guy's head, but it certainly wasn't the English we were instructing him with.

"Left," yelled Chris, who was now beginning to annoy everyone, "LEFT!"

Without looking, or indicating, and the Kingsgate Hotel's entrance bearing down upon us the taxi driver turned sharply left.

The problem with his sudden turn was the car driving alongside us in the left lane.


But the honking fell on deaf ears, just as the instructions to get into the left lane hundreds of meters before had. The taxi kept cutting in and it gave no choice for the other driver but to drive up onto the sidewalk and slam on his brakes!

Thankfully no one was walking on the sidewalk at the time.

"Bloody hell mate," continued Chris who had the best view of events from the back seat, "STOP!"

He slammed on the brakes.

Somehow we had arrived.

Planes, trains and automobiles (aka cab drivers)... aaah, Melbourne, why do I ever leave?

U2 Night

I'd better jump straight to the U2 night otherwise I'll never get there!

The night was a blast. The atmosphere was electric, and even though we had seats we didn't sit once U2 were out! And for those that watch Thank God You're Here we even bumped into Hamish Blake and Andy (Emma had photos taken with them).

Unfortunately I didn't take my camera on the Melbourne trip as on the ticket stub it said you weren't able to take ANY cameras into the event at all. However, after seeing someone with a camera, Aaron decided to race back to the hotel and use his... and he was successful in getting it through security (hopefully I'll be able to post his photos soon)!

Anyhoo, I decided to use my mobile phone's in-built camera and here were the pix I took during the night...

I don't know why Kanye West was used as support? I think maybe only one or two people were getting into his music, whereas everyone else just couldn't wait until he got off...

The anticipation...

Finally, it was here...

The Telstra Dome was packed...

The Christmas tree...


Thursday, December 07, 2006

My Big Fat Mouth

SETTING: A dinner party Tuesday night

DAVID (don't call him Dave he'll give you a karate chop to the back of the head): Did you know my brother can fit a whole cheeseburger in his mouth?

EVERYONE (in awe): OoOoOoooooooo

ANDREW: My brother once stuffed a whole super sized muffin in his mouth!!

EVERYONE (still in awe): OooOOoOOOoOOooo

ME (turning to my brother): Why don't you tell everyone that your brother beats them all hands down.

Even though everyone heard me, my brother announces over the table that his brother can beat them all hands down.

ME (now whispering to my brother)

Upon hearing what I can stuff into my mouth, he laughs and announces...

MY BROTHER: My brother is notorious for putting... his own foot into his mouth!

EVERYONE laughs.

ME (chest up, announcing proudly): And when I'm on a roll I can usually get both in there!!

Yep, my big fat mouth.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Beach Blisters

Every time I've run along the beach I've always worn shoes as the sand can get quite hot and you don't want to accidentally cut yourself on anything sharp (especially a syringe! Eeek!).

However, I've felt a little weird on my Mullaloo beach runs as I've noticed that everyone else runs without shoes on.

You look like a tourist! Be a man and run naked, yelled the coach.

Well I suppose the sun now does rise an hour later, so the sand isn't so hot anymore.

So this week I decided to run naked... well, half naked... I wore no shoes.

Unfortunately though running on sand didn't prove to be too beneficial for my feet - I didn't realise running on sand would cause so many blisters!

And, being the crazy beaching bloke I am, this morning, even though I had blisters from my previous run this week, I decided to run again.

Come on! Toughen up.

So now I've got blisters on my blisters!!

Add to that the fact that one popped and I went into the water...


It's at moments like these I wish I had a wheelchair.

Crown Casino

If there's one place where we spent a lot of our time in Melbourne it was the Crown Casino.

And I didn't wager 1 red cent, but I sure felt sorry for those on the pokies pushing their life away with a button.

On the first night of my stay in Melbourne Chris and I found a comfy little cafe that played episodes of Seinfeld! It's been ages since I've seen Seinfeld.

We sat there for hours and hours, all the while sipping large coffees.

As we sat there I couldn't help but look out at the sea of elderly people playing away on the pokies.

"A part of me wants to slap these people round and get them out of here," I said to Chris acknowledging another newcomer who had come to sit at an available slot machine, "but another part of me says that they deserve everything they get."

Chris nodded, but really wasn't paying any attention to my ranting.

"And to think that even if they win something big they'll be back continuing to flitter it away in the hopes of getting more money. Greed is an insatiable beast."

Chris laughed, but it had to do with what was happening on Seinfeld, and on that note we decided it was time to head back and get some shut eye.

I wasn't terribly tired or jet-lagged. My body clock was 3 hours behind Melbourne time, and I had drank waaay too much coffee.

Upon us exiting from the casino, James Packer (the owner), obviously wasn't happy with us. As we walked outside towards the King Street bridge we were almost cremated!

Think this is an innocent looking pillar?


And you think it's just a small flame, right?...

This thing's only just getting started! And to think that the camera hadn't melted and that I hadn't turned into a pile of dust by now...

The fury of James Packer upon all those who didn't waste their money at Crown Casino...

Here's what it looks like from a distance...

I was tempted to go and grab a stick and put a marshmallow at the end of it, but I couldn't find anything long enough.

So that was our first night at Crown Casino.

But before I leave the topic of the Crown Casino there was one thing that irked me during our travels there, and I'll sum it up in two words...

Allocated Seating.


Yep, I had never heard about it before, but apparently at Crown Casino's Village Cinemas when you purchase a normal ticket you are allocated a seat number on that ticket and this is the place where you sit.

So, being unaware of this on the first night that we saw a flick we walked into our respective cinema and found a nice comfortable seat at the back.


It wasn't until the movie started that a group of latecomers walked in and as they were fossicking away for their seats, one just so happened to have the seat that I was sitting in.

"What number are you Dorcas?" asked the boy who sat down next to me.

She said some number.

"That's... here," he said pointing to me.

By now I was wondering what the hell all this noise was about and I turned to him. His girlfriend excused herself as she made her way towards me and said,

"Ah, you're sitting in my seat?"


"It's allocated seating. You're sitting in my seat."

"Allocated what?" Are you nuts?

"These cinemas have allocated seating."

"Allocated what?" I said as I got up to reach for my ticket in my back pocket.

"You're down there," she said a little too smugly.

It was at this point that I wished I had brought a drink in. A nice big bladder bursting jumbo sized Coke, and to have... ummm... let's say "accidentally" spill ALL of it onto something, say... a particular seat I had warmed to.

Drat! Out of all the times I wanted a drink, even though I wasn't thirsty, NOW would've been the perfect time. Drat, drat, drat.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said as I alighted from my seat (alighting seems pertinent to use at the casino!).

As Chris and I were booted from our comfy seats we then tried to figure out where OUR seats were.

"What does your's say?" Chris asked.

"G19. And you?"



Now we were sitting at opposite ends of the cinema?!?

"This is crazy?" he laughed.

"Stuff it, let's just sit down in the middle there."

Being rebellious we found some available seats and watched the remainder of the movie.

On our second trip back, we asked the guy behind the ticket counter about this so-called "allocated seating" and believe it or not the guy said it was true and in force.

We then booked two tickets at the end row and when we entered the cinema had the pleasure of kicking somebody else's ass out of our seats (it actually felt quite good).

"Watch that drink," I said to the boy who had now become a bootee.

But our booting started a domino allocated seating effect - those boys kicked someone out of their seats, and in turn the new bootees kicked someone else... etc etc.

And all the while we were sitting at the back enjoying the mad shuffle before the movie started.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Pre Day-Light Saving Party

Yesterday I received a text message from my mate Jon-Jon's wife about a small party they were having that night...

"and I'd really love for you to come."

...she ended in the text message.

Weird to word it like that, I thought.

I didn't think too much about it, and sure enough when I arrived I was introduced to Karina.

Ah, I've been set up!

So what were my impressions?

Have we found a winner yet?

Well, unfortunately... no - she's already seeing (if you can call a long distance relationship "seeing") someone else and I'm not the type of bloke that interposes (as I know I wouldn't like it if it were done to me and my woman).

How would she have gone if she were single?

Good question. Physically she was attractive - she has beautiful crystal blue eyes, and a nice smile. She's a physio and enjoys maintaining an active lifestyle by running, swimming and cycling (the trifecta!).

Personality-wise she's a very strong willed person. She has travelled a large part of the world with some parts on her lonesome. I think women with a personality like that can intimidate some blokes and until they can display a "softness" in their personality will likely remain single unless they fall in love with someone who has an even stronger will, or is extremely long-suffering/patient. But if such a woman doesn't respect her partner it doesn't matter if the bloke has either of those qualities she'll walk all over him.

That's just my experience... and I've had a lot of it throughout my years - I consider my sister to have such a quality.

Anyway, another thing I found out last night was that Karina was good friends with a previous date I had many moons ago (for those that have been here awhile it was the one that stalked me for 5-odd years after we broke up!).

"Oh... you're *that* Ryan," she said surprisingly when she found out that I had dated her friend.


She pondered it silently and I just kept quiet.

So, yes, some of Karina's mannerisms had reminded me of her and I suppose with Karina being friends with her throughout the years she's no doubt rubbed off on her a little.

Karina left early (another party) and as she left Jon-Jon and his wife tried to push her to come to Albany for our Christmas-New Year's holiday in a couple of weeks. She said she would, but she said she'd only be able to be there maybe a day or two if she did come.

So, yeah, that was Karina - if she were single, softer, and had slightly longer hair she'd probably be close to perfect.

However, gauging what a person's like in one night is terribly difficult, but first impressions do count... a lot.

Day-Light Saving... Again

Well, it's in.

Obviously Betsy didn't complain loud enough because Perth is now trialling day-light saving for the next 3 years.

It was some 14-15 years ago when Perth trialled DST and it didn't prove too successful. I don't mind having it in... more sun time can be spent at the beach until 9pm when the sun sets now!!


I have to admit though - adjusting the clocks is a bit of pain I can't believe how many I've got!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Thanksgiving Christmas Family Do

As one side of our family will be celebrating Christmas down in Albany this year, the other side decided to celebrate Christmas early.

So on the Thanksgiving weekend we had a little get together at Pelican Point... where there are no pelicans, well, at least not on that day.

Much fun was had with the frisbee and footie.

The Best Saddest News Of The Year

It was a tough day for my sister yesterday... she broke up with her man of 7 months, and let's just say it wasn't a smooth break up.

I don't think I've commented about their relationship on this blog as I've done so with other relationships and there's never really been anything positive I've said about any of them - two relationships I know about that I've posted a lot on were definitely negative, with one of those relationships braking up, and the other getting happily married.

(If there's one profession I know I'll never get into and that's pre-marital or relationship counselling!)

Seeing the relationship my sister had with this loser was a difficult one. Initially after meeting the guy and trying to get to know him I wondered what she ever saw in him, as I couldn't find anything of substance. However, after learning from my mistakes of not being encouraging enough to the relationship that married I decided to swallow my opinions and just be happy for them.

Maybe it's just me because I'm all bitter and twisted due to my singledom, I thought.

But believe me it was a hard thing to swallow and I'm thankful that I wasn't alone in my opinion of the bloke. Many friends and family members couldn't believe it and they'd often ask me questions about what she saw in him...

"What does she see in him?" they'd ask.

"Uh... I dunno."

"Does he have money?"

"Uh... no."

"Does he have a job?"

"Uh... no."

"Does he have personality?"

"Uh... no."

In fact, come to think of it, I don't think there was one person who actually said to me "Gee, don't they look good together."

That's sad.

As time past I began seeing more and more of how little depth and character this bloke had.

And eventually when the times got rough in the relationship she asked for my opinion about the matter.

I could no longer keep my concerns in, and on that one quiet night I let it all out. We spoke about it for hours.

Thankfully she took it quite well, and even though she still dated the guy for a month after that talk I think it gave her the fresh eyes to see him for what he really was: a spoilt little boy.

(He definitely wasn't a man.)

Soon, things came to a head, and on Thursday night he exploded and verbally abused his grandmother, all in front of my sister and my sister's friend. The next day (yesterday) my sister had had enough of his childish outbursts and confronted him to break things off.

He wasn't happy.

He threw objects around the room, and swore at her. Scared of the situation she quickly left and went to my parent's home, where I was too, and burst into the house crying her little heart out.

She had plenty of shoulders to cry on thankfully.

It was hard, but it had to be done.

Unfortunately though, the next wave of abuse occurred when he then called her and tried to reconcile, but it was all too little too late.

Sensing the losing battle, he then resorted to all desperate measures even telling her that he was going to commit suicide.

What a friggin jerk (I'd use much more colourful language believe me - my blood was boiling yesterday).

But throughout all the tirade it showed the true nature of the beast - an insecure, pathetic little boy who never takes responsibility for his own actions.

Half of me hopes that he does come around here, but the other half hopes he doesn't... I don't want to do anything that I might regret later, but I tell ya, it wont take me much after what he put my sister through yesterday.

I've got to cool down... I'm off to the beach.

The Hotel Of Horrors - Part II

(Part I of this series is here.)

I was a sight to behold for sure.

Water was everywhere.

The only alternative left for me was to change back into my old clothes and to search for a dry towel... even if I had to walk all the way down to the administration desk and get one.

My patience was wearing thin.

Nothing in here works.

As I placed my good clean clothes on top of the stuffed-up hand dryer I proceeded to put my shorts back on.

At least they don't smell as bad, I thought - something was at least going right.

But in all my scurrying around I failed to neglect a very small issue. No... wait, I never really FAILED to neglect it, there were just more pressing issues at hand that I concentrated more on and pushed this issue to the back...

When I placed my shorts out in front of me I opened them up getting ready to put one leg through.

...the thing I failed to neglect was how wet the floor was from the overflow that had come from my shower, and trying to balance on one foot proved very dangerous indeed - getting the first leg through was easy, it was the second that proved harder.

So as I motioned with my right leg raised ready to insert it into its respective part of my shorts my body tried to compensate for the change of balance and through a strange set of what begun as small hops, soon turned into one big flop on the floor.

*hop* *hop* *hop*



As I laid there on the wet floor I wondered whether or not it was even worthwhile getting back up.

Maybe, if I just lay here in the men's loos the water will eventually dry up and by that time the rest of my clothes will have dried too.

But no sooner had that thought entered my mind did someone walk into the men's changeroom.

In one super fast motion I fed my right leg through my shorts, pulled them up and stood upright.

"Arrrgh," my backside was sore from the fall and now I had a large wet circle on the backside of my shorts.

"What the...?" said the bloke who had just walked in, he saw me standing there, half-naked, and although he never said anything the expression on his face asked, "Just what the hell happened?"

All I could do was look at the mess, as though I too had just come in, shake my head and with disdain say, "Kids!"


I didn't want to have to go into detail about what happened, so I hurriedly grabbed my wet clothes and walked outside.

Okay, now what room was I in again?


I couldn't quite remember, but at least I could remember what the door looked like - it was right near the fire hydrant.

Okay, now where was the fire hydrant?

Upon spotting someone who looked like they knew the place, I asked, "Excuse me, do you know where the fire hydrant is?"

It probably wasn't the best question I could have asked. I mean, there I was, half naked, dripping like a soaked rat, asking what was probably the cleaning lady where the fire hydrant was.

What? You need more water? she probably thought.

"Well there's two on this floor, honey."

"Err, give me both."

"There's one that's just down this hall and to your left. And the other is down the other end of this hall, but on your right."

"Easy. Thankyou."

I made my way to the fire hydrant on the left and when I saw it I felt a huge sigh of relief.


As I didn't have the key to get in I had to hope Chris was still in the room.

*knock* *knock*

I heard a strange groaning sound, followed by a shuffling of some sort.

I probably woke the poor sod up, I thought.

Eventually the door swung open and a lady in her mid-50s stood at the door in a bath robe.

"Well hello," she said, "what can I do you for love?" she asked raising her arm up the side of the door and licking her lips.

"I'm so sorry. I've got the wrong room."

"Are you sure?" she said as she proceeded to reveal her left leg.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure."

As I turned to make my way out of there, she walked up behind and gave my ass a slap.

"Argh," I winced in pain from the fall I had in the men's changeroom.

"Come round any time," she whispered, "I'll give you a hand drying off."

I quickly hightailed it out of there, even though walking fast was a little difficult.

I'm probably going to have nightmares tonight.

My body quivered.

It was quite easy finding my way back to where I had met the cleaning lady. The floors at the Kingsgate are carpeted and my wet feet had left marks of where I had been.

Walking down the main hall and turning right proved to be the right fire hydrant after all.

After tapping on the door I was ever so thankful to see Chris' face.

"Hey, what took you so long?" he asked, "I was beginning to think you'd got lost."

"Me? Lost?" I tried to put back on a brave face, "What do you think I am? A woman!"

I used his towel to dry the remainder of my body off (which had pretty much fully dried by now) and changed into a cleaner pair of clothes.


Boy it felt good to get into something warmer.

Soon after I had applied some deoderant did both us hear a knock at the door.

Uh-oh, maybe that's the manager of the place. I'm probably going to get kicked out.

Chris opened the door.

"Oh, hello," said a somewhat familiar voice, "is there a half naked man in there?"

Oh no! It was the old lady from the other room near the fire hydrant!

As Chris turned around, I mimed a ferocious "NO!" whilst flailing my arms all over the place.

He turned back and as he slowly closed the door said something that I couldn't quite hear. She then said a few words, and soon Chris closed the door.

"Thanks, man," I said, "I bumped into her when I was trying to find this room. She'll probably come back and try again. Let's get out of here."

"Oh, I don't think she'll be back in a hurry," he said scratching his head, "I told her you were gay."


"But you know what she said?" he asked still scratching his head as I shook my head, "she said that explained why you have a sore ass."


"What concerns me," said Chris looking at the two single beds in our room, "is are you *really* gay, because I'm kicking you out if you are."

"Mate, you wont believe what just happened," I said beginning to laugh, "but let's go grab a bite to eat - I'm starving."

And with that we scurried down the stairs out onto King Street.

The night was just beginning.