Thursday, November 23, 2006


Being one of the last to arrive on the plane finding my seat didn't prove to be too difficult.

16... B.

Right in the middle of two elderly folk.

Great! Now I'm going to get the stories of "the good ol' days" in stereo!

But thankfully I didn't, which may have been due to the fact that I wore headphones during the whole flight! Thank God for Qantas' inflight entertainment!

Unfortunately, breakfast came around after takeoff and I wasn't impressed: sausages, bacon and scrambled eggs.


I think I'm the only person alive who doesn't enjoy eating meat or eggs for breakfast - give me muesli or fruit any day.

"What would you like for breakfast then sir?" asked the stewardess after I had scrunched my face in disgust at the options, no doubt thinking that I was probably some type of tree hugging hippie.

"Just the fruit juice, please."

Not long after the inflight entertainment did we begin experiencing some turbulence, immediately the dinging seat belt sign was turned on followed by the captain over the speaker...

"This is your captain speaking," he started, trying to remain calm, "it's going to get a little bumpy as we pull into Melbourne. If everyone could please move to their seats and fasten their seat belts."

The plane began to shake and wobble as it moved through the dense Victorian clouds. It would've probably been quite therapeutic had it not been that we were 35,000 feet above the ground travelling at several hundred kilometers per hour!

To my left, the old lady at the window, quickly moved her hand to her mouth.

Initially I thought she had spotted something gross, maybe a bird flying through the engine, or maybe even Superman getting changed, but what I soon discovered was her breakfast.

As she fossicked through the pouch in front of her, I looked over and gave the quizzical eye.

(BTW... if doing a quiz is to be quizzical, then doing a test is to be...?? lol)

She turned to look at me, and tried to motion what she was doing, but it was all too late.

The plane was hit with a wind pocket and it dove a couple of meters sending it in a short sudden drop.

All I felt next was a warm sensation on my left arm and chest.

Again, it would've been quite therapeutic if it hadn't been for the fact that it was somebody's half digested breakfast!

And if I had eaten the same I probably would've returned the favour, but all I had was a juice... something that had now proceeded to my bladder and was safe from ever being brought back up, but was busting to get out.

Unfortunately no stewardess came to my immediate attention. The plane was rocking all over the place making it hard to even stay seated, I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to walk.

The old lady eventually found her spew bag and proceeded to let out the remaining 10% of her stomach into it.

Bits of sausage and what looked like carrots (which I thought was weird because they didn't serve carrots??) speckled my red shirt.

After the lady had finished with the remainder of her breakfast she reached for her handbag and pulled out some tissues.

She showered me with apologies as she scaped all the little bits of sausages and eggs off.

"That's ok," I said trying to reassure her by finding something soothing to say, "I... get it all the time."

"You get women vomiting over you all the time?" she asked wiping away.

"Uh... no, I was talking about touching my chest."

We both smiled.

Again the plane rattled through the thick clouds and it wasn't long until we were finally underneath them and on the tarmac.

When the plane slowed to a manageable speed a stewardess saw my predicament and provided a damp cloth to wipe myself down with.

The captain came back over the blower,

"This is your captain speaking. We have now arrived in Melbourne, unfortunately there will be some delays as there is an electrical storm and all ground crew have ceased to work until it clears over. There will be a slight delay in retrieving your luggage."

Great! Nothing to change into.

As we waited on the plane to disembark the captain came over the speaker again,

"The current time in Melboune is a quarter to three and the temperature is 8 degrees!"

WHAT!!! 8 degrees????

Oh no.

Just how was a boy in shorts and a wet smelly shirt going to cope in such chilly conditions?

Stay tuned...


Anonymous said...

Oh man, this is good stuff, keep it coming.

If somebody puked on me on a plane I would have puked right back, and that would have been a terrible chain reaction.

danish said...

Ew. Ew ew ew eeeewwwww.

I'm glad you handled being the victim of such nastiness so well! Could you imagine if she had puked on a kid or something?

The kid might have puked back! Yu~ck!

Hope you have better future flights.

Anonymous said...

Eeeeeeew, and Ryan, do you really want to know the truth about the carrots? ;o)

You poor sod. I don't envy you one bit.

I'm surprised you're still alive after all that actually!!