Monday, October 23, 2006

Dude What Are You Doing With My Hand?

I don't know what it is with people, but most seem to get it wrong when it comes to handshakes.

If I put my hand out so that my palm is facing up and my thumb runs parallel to the ground I'm expecting you to slap it... sorta like a high five, but it's a low five.

If I put my hand out at right angles to the ground then I'm expecting you to shake it.

So when I'm ready for a slap I don't want you shaking me, and when I'm ready for a shake I don't want you slapping me.

(Okay, I'll freely admit that that kinda does sound weird... don't take it out of context!)

Unfortunately my homies at church just can't seem to wrap their head around the hand structure yet, but they'll get there... before I start slapping them.

Although one homie, Stevie, seems to have cracked under the pressure. Yesterday he tried his level best to crush my hand with a handshake.

Which brings me to another point I'd like to make: if there's one thing I prefer in a handshake with another bloke it's a firm one. I don't like my hand to be squeezed to the point where my eyes bulge out of their sockets, nor do I want you to shake my hand limply - which personally just freaks me out, but maybe women feel differently about that issue.

But in case you have a friend who always prefers to make you squirm when they're handshaking you (giving you a hand crush) here's a tip... go deep.

That's right.

Go deep.

As soon as they put their hand out, go as far as you can into their hand and their power will be negated.

But getting back to poor Stevie who was now receiving some of his own medicine back...

Stevie, if you want to make someone squirm because of your super hand crushing skills you need to make sure they have scrawnier forearms than your own. You want to make sure they don't exercise much with their forearms, and do things such as, oh, I don't know... bike riding.

And whatever you do Stevie don't try this stunt on a bloke who rips telephone books in half (no, it's not down the spine) you wont get any sensation returning back in your hand for about a week!

I know... I tried to be a smart alec like you too, once.

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