Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Women's Fingernails

I've had a very deep love-hate relationship with fingernails. Not my own fingernails mind you mainly women's.

Here's how my love-hate relationship has progressed throughout all these years...

Fingernails are great when a bloke wants his head scratched. If there's anything a woman needs to do to make her man enter the "twilight zone" within seconds one of those things is scratching his head (unless he's self-conscious about his hair or has a flaky scalp).

Within minutes the bloke is on the floor with his leg twitching at the same rate she's scratching his head.

Sheer bliss.

However, those same divine fingernails responsible for giving a man such great pleasure can also be turned into weapons of mass destruction (the REAL WMDs!).

There was once a time when my woman was playing up and needed to be dealt with by a good tickle. Unfortunately when this happened all hell broke loose. I thought I was right. She thought she was right. I was going to get her to admit she was wrong (which in itself is virtually impossible with women nowadays). And yet she was going to dig her heels in and fight.

And boy did I pick the wrong day for a fight: I don't think her fingernails could've been any longer, stronger or sharper! They were like Swiss army pocket knives.

After several excruciating minutes of having my arms flayed alive I pulled back.

She was in tears after laughing so hard, and I could no longer feel my arms.

But the dispute was settled, or so we thought... she said she won as I had pulled away, but considering that she cried before I bled I believed that technically I WON.

So we went at it again.

Anyway, about a week after the dispute my arms had quite visible scratch marks, a friend saw them and asked:

"What did your dog do to you?"

I looked down at the marks still evident on my arms and replied, "This? Oh I was tickling..."

Hearing that he quickly interrupted with,

"You tickle your dog?"

He started laughing on the thought that every once in a while and give the ol' mut a coochie-coochie-coo.

"Well, I suppose if it depends if you like Ella or not?" I said joining in the laughter.

So yes, the same fingernails responsible for giving a good head scratch can similarly be turned into weapons of mass destruction.

And then there's manicures and pedicures and whatever else needs cures!

I can bear painted fingernails, but when it comes to painted toenails - they scare me. And this might have to do with the fact that I dropped a heavy object on my big toe when I was young and I saw the funny colours my toenail changed before it popped off.

Yeah it was pretty gross.

But while it might be classy seeing the effort your woman has placed in getting her fingernails done, she's all alone when she starts applying that nail polish remover!

Can't someone create a non-smelly nail polish remover??

Again, love the painted fingernails (whatever colour they may be!?) just hate the smelly nail polish remover - I feel as though the hairs in my nose have been napalmed if I catch a whiff of that stuff!

And lastly, there's the back scratch. Done right this makes a man's body contort and wiggle in all sorts of ways. I've even be known to squeak at certain areas!

But the evil part to back scratching comes when you're stabbed in the back with them.

Yep, that's right. You open up your arms to give your woman a warm tender hug and then...


Your kidneys are pinned down by 10 sharp nails - you can't breathe and you can't escape.

The next words that are often heard are usually something along the lines of...

"You forgot to call me last night."


"I saw you with another woman."


"You haven't apologised yet."

etc etc

So, as some us may appreciate, fingernails are an instrument that can be used for both the benefit of mankind and also it's detriment.

But before I leave I just want to point out to all women...

Whatever you do: don't chew on them!


Somebody once told me that chewing on the end of your fingernails is equivalent to biting the head off a cockroach.

I don't know who did such an experiment to find out, but obviously some crazy person downed a cockroach and when they were asked what it tasted like, answered something stupid like,

"Mmm... fingernails."

My next question to the crazy dude would've been, "You eat fingernails??"

(Ok, this discussion is getting me a little queazy, I don't know why I go down such tracks before dinner!?)

Anyway, just rememeber ladies: fingernails are used for pleasurable scratching on heads and backs... but that's all.

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