Sunday, February 26, 2006

Whoops I Did It Again

But can you blame me?

I mean, we've only got 2 more days of summer before we start sliding down into autumn which leads straight into winter. So today I just threw myself into the water and the waves at Brighton Beach during today's 30-odd degree heat.

Even though I could've sworn I was only in the water for a couple of minutes I ended up getting sunburnt... again.


Well, at least this time it isn't as severe, but nonetheless I can feel the slow embering spots on my skin.

I would've asked a chic for help but once women touch me they can't keep their hands off!


Oh well, Proverbs 18:22 is definitely beginning to make a lot of sense these days as they sure come in handy at the beach.

Anyway, I'm off to our church fellowship evening tonight... should be loads of fun - especially with all the great food the elderly women prepare! They sure know how to entice all the guys in our church to come along!!

Outta here.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Marlene Has Won My Heart

Marlene Dietrich is quoted as saying,

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

Amen to that Marlene!

So true.

So... so... true.

Or in my words,

Don't change for a woman.

(Or was that my grandfather... after watching Marlene??)


Yesterday I was a little cranky.

It was all thanks to a couple of body parts giving me nothing but pain.

How did they get that way?

Well I think it was a combination of pushing myself a little too hard at the gym yesterday in the 30 degree heat and drinking from their unfiltered cold water fountain to try and quench my thirst. While the workout was good for certain parts of the bod my stomach and head were giving me nothing but flashes of pain.

So did I take anything for my it?

Hell no.

I'm a bloke, remember.

I'm not one to take those nerve doting drugs just for some short term relief. If I want relief from feeling ill I'll just go and lay down.

Simple really.

If it's something that recurs then I'll look anything I've done different and change it. And if pain keeps recurring then I'll go and seek help, first with a naturopath and if all else fails the dreaded doctor.

Doctors freak me out.

I don't believe masking pain with Panadol or Nurofen is the best way to go. Our bodies were designed to emit these painful signals so that we'd know we've done something wrong (or that we're not doing something right - i.e. eating fruit/veges, drinking plenty of water, and exercising) and we therefore need to change our actions.

Anyway, last night, just as I was ready to have an early one I hear a knock at the door... and it's my mate Chris.

*big sigh*

To say I wasn't happy would have been an understatement. I clearly wasn't in the mood to talk and I just hoped he wasn't over looking to get some TLC. As he talked I kept my replies curt and abrupt.

After about an hour he finally got the point.

(Now I can understand why women find it so difficult to give a guy "the signal" - Chris sure didn't read that I wasn't feeling well until I nearly fell asleep on the couch!)

Thankfully after last night's rest I'm all perfect again today.


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Women's Fingernails

I've had a very deep love-hate relationship with fingernails. Not my own fingernails mind you mainly women's.

Here's how my love-hate relationship has progressed throughout all these years...

Fingernails are great when a bloke wants his head scratched. If there's anything a woman needs to do to make her man enter the "twilight zone" within seconds one of those things is scratching his head (unless he's self-conscious about his hair or has a flaky scalp).

Within minutes the bloke is on the floor with his leg twitching at the same rate she's scratching his head.

Sheer bliss.

However, those same divine fingernails responsible for giving a man such great pleasure can also be turned into weapons of mass destruction (the REAL WMDs!).

There was once a time when my woman was playing up and needed to be dealt with by a good tickle. Unfortunately when this happened all hell broke loose. I thought I was right. She thought she was right. I was going to get her to admit she was wrong (which in itself is virtually impossible with women nowadays). And yet she was going to dig her heels in and fight.

And boy did I pick the wrong day for a fight: I don't think her fingernails could've been any longer, stronger or sharper! They were like Swiss army pocket knives.

After several excruciating minutes of having my arms flayed alive I pulled back.

She was in tears after laughing so hard, and I could no longer feel my arms.

But the dispute was settled, or so we thought... she said she won as I had pulled away, but considering that she cried before I bled I believed that technically I WON.

So we went at it again.

Anyway, about a week after the dispute my arms had quite visible scratch marks, a friend saw them and asked:

"What did your dog do to you?"

I looked down at the marks still evident on my arms and replied, "This? Oh I was tickling..."

Hearing that he quickly interrupted with,

"You tickle your dog?"

He started laughing on the thought that every once in a while and give the ol' mut a coochie-coochie-coo.

"Well, I suppose if it depends if you like Ella or not?" I said joining in the laughter.

So yes, the same fingernails responsible for giving a good head scratch can similarly be turned into weapons of mass destruction.

And then there's manicures and pedicures and whatever else needs cures!

I can bear painted fingernails, but when it comes to painted toenails - they scare me. And this might have to do with the fact that I dropped a heavy object on my big toe when I was young and I saw the funny colours my toenail changed before it popped off.

Yeah it was pretty gross.

But while it might be classy seeing the effort your woman has placed in getting her fingernails done, she's all alone when she starts applying that nail polish remover!

Can't someone create a non-smelly nail polish remover??

Again, love the painted fingernails (whatever colour they may be!?) just hate the smelly nail polish remover - I feel as though the hairs in my nose have been napalmed if I catch a whiff of that stuff!

And lastly, there's the back scratch. Done right this makes a man's body contort and wiggle in all sorts of ways. I've even be known to squeak at certain areas!

But the evil part to back scratching comes when you're stabbed in the back with them.

Yep, that's right. You open up your arms to give your woman a warm tender hug and then...


Your kidneys are pinned down by 10 sharp nails - you can't breathe and you can't escape.

The next words that are often heard are usually something along the lines of...

"You forgot to call me last night."


"I saw you with another woman."


"You haven't apologised yet."

etc etc

So, as some us may appreciate, fingernails are an instrument that can be used for both the benefit of mankind and also it's detriment.

But before I leave I just want to point out to all women...

Whatever you do: don't chew on them!


Somebody once told me that chewing on the end of your fingernails is equivalent to biting the head off a cockroach.

I don't know who did such an experiment to find out, but obviously some crazy person downed a cockroach and when they were asked what it tasted like, answered something stupid like,

"Mmm... fingernails."

My next question to the crazy dude would've been, "You eat fingernails??"

(Ok, this discussion is getting me a little queazy, I don't know why I go down such tracks before dinner!?)

Anyway, just rememeber ladies: fingernails are used for pleasurable scratching on heads and backs... but that's all.

Monday, February 20, 2006

The Engagement Party

All went well for my brother's engagement party.

I suppose getting there at 11pm just as everybody was leaving kinda helped me avoid Carlie's set ups!

No, I was there.

See, I even have photographic evidence of the occassion...

(Carlie's father says a few words, or two... or was that TOO many?)

(Ally and MJ - Ally is Jo's sister BTW)

(The soon-to-be's give a few thank you's - I think they accidentally forgot my name in this part)

(Then MJ decided to get this party pumpin and began showing off some of his party tricks)

So the night went well, caught up with relatives that I hadn't seen for years, old friends, and thankfully no desperate women!


Also went to the beach today thanks to summer having one last heat wave with today hitting 37 degrees. I was hoping to try and catch some ironwomen at work but they didn't rock up today.


Thursday, February 16, 2006

Searching For The Perfect Gift... Again

This Saturday night things will get a little more serious for my little baby brother and his fiancee: both will be celebrating their engagement!

Tonight Chris and I ventured out shopping to try and find a gift for their engagement.

Luckily both of us weren't completely at a loss on what to get them as Chris had only months before celebrated an engagement party (his own) and considering I had bought him something for his engagement I was no rookie to this engagement gift thingie.

"Alright what do you suggest we get them?" Chris started as we walked into our first store.

My initial selfish thought was to buy something for them that would be great for me too! Well hey one half of the gift is my brother's and considering we're blood we probably like the same things anyway!

But Chris wasn't to have a bar of it.

"She'll kill you if you buy something like that," he responded when I pointed to a billboard poster of Kate Beckinsale in leather for her role in the flick Underworld.

"I think they'll like it," I said trying to push him into buying such an awesome gift, "I could be around all the time then."

"Oh I'm sure Carlie will just looove that!" Chris laughed.

Unfortunately Carlie and I have... well... how can I put this nicely... not really got on that well.

I'll some it up very easily for all of you and this will make all the sense in why we'll probably never get along: she hardly laughs, and when she does happen to laugh it's like a muffled laugh because every ounce of her body seems swayed to the pessimistic side.

I suppose to sum it up even better...


Our conversations are always short and lack any real personality flavour. Okay, I hope you get the point - she definitely ain't somebody I'D MARRY!

But back to the shopping...

When we came to our first store we immediately found the perfect gift!

I couldn't believe it... and that's what had me worried. Generally I'd spend hours and hours walking aimlessly around but today was special: our gift was found in the first store!

Now even though Chris was ready to buy the thing get it wrapped and walk out the door I'm not such an impulsive buyer.

I know from years of shopping experience that if you buy something on impulse you're sure to be disappointed, and hey, we had only just started on our shopping spree who knows we could find the next perfect gift in the very next store!

So what happened?

We walked around aimlessly for hours and hours trying to find a similar gift but aimless walking around isn't that bad.

Especially if you're someone like me who likes walking through Freedom Furniture looking at all the great ideas.

And have a guess what shocked the pants off me while walking through FF tonight?

What's different with this picture (check here for previous photo shot)?

Yeah that's right!

Two of those babies have been sold!!! At AU$279 each!

I'm thinking I'm going to have to take up some art lessons... no, wait a minute, that art didn't look as though anyone took any lessons... in that case I might just start drawing some lines on a blank piece of paper and see how much I can sell it for! I could even colour photocopy my "art" and sell it around the world and make millions!

I'm a genius!


Moving on, we found it terribly difficult leaving FF tonight there were quite a few hot staff members that I think would have been perfect for the female furniture fit test... but unfortunately time was against us.

After scouring the entire shopping complex I still felt uncomfortable about purchasing the perfect gift so close to when we had laid eyes on it. Chris thought we could push the "impulse purchase" time zone by buying some dinner, so we skittled off and had some Japanese.

It was a good idea.

Nothing helps clams important engagement gift purchasing decisions that miso soup.

So what did you think two blokes with the perfect present just waiting to be bought did after dinner? Did they go and buy the stupid thing, or was it still within the impulsive time zone?

Yep, you guessed it - we delayed buying it.

So tomorrow I'm off to the city to see if I can find the same gift at either a better design or better price.

Anyway, all that shopping sure has taken its toll on my Y-chromosome... so right now I'm off to bed.

(I think shopping for the perfect gift should become an Olympic sport!)

Monday, February 13, 2006

Good Things Happen In Threes?

To cap off an enjoyable weekend I faced today's 36 degree heat by going to the beach.

I didn't plan on going for long as I had much to do, but considering summer was nearly over I wanted to try and suck as much sunshine as I possibly could before it was all over for another 9 months.

So I went and waded at Leighton Beach's cool crisp clear water.

It was very therapeutical.

After doing a few strokes to an undetermined spot and then swimming back I skulled in the water for a little while before ever contemplating going back in. After about 10 minutes my body thought it time to head back in before getting another bout of sunburn, but then something odd happened...

A bus load of chics rolled up! (And I kid you not!)

As you can no doubt imagine: there I was walking out of the water seeing a whole bus load of chics in bikinis coming running towards me (the sand was hot and all they had on them was a towel and bikinis) and mind screams...


I quickly duck dived back into the ocean making it out as though I was just doing some new pilates-type swimming exercise manoeuvre and I started doing a few more laps whilst "casually" glancing at what the heck all these hot chics in bikinis were doing here!?

After more strokes of the same, more wading of the same, more staring of the same the chics all huddled before they formed a straight line running perpendicular to the beach.

What are they doing? I asked myself - not really wanting to know the answer, but asking nonetheless so that I could justify my staring! ;op

Eventually my body began to feel the pinch of the sun, but I couldn't go in just yet I HAD to find out what was going on... so I stared some more.

Soon one of the chics raised her hand dropped it and would you belive it...


I could've sworn I had died and gone to heaven.

Babes, beach, bikinis and babes at the beach in bikins running!!!

What more could a bloke want?

They ran about 100m before turning around and running back to where they started, they then jumped into the water and swam the same distance along the beach back and forth - it was an ironwoman training camp!!


Eventually blood flow returned to the organ located between the ears and I knew I just had to get covered... much to my disappointment. I swam back in shore, slowly found my gear and dried off.

I just couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing: athletic women running and swimming in their bikinis!

I think nearly 30 minutes had passed before I pried myself away back to work. Drat.

I hope this ironwoman thing is a weekly occurrence... might have to be there again next week... I'd better write it down just in case I forget...

Leighton Beach Monday's 12pm - 12:30pm

What more good can happen this week?

Oop, how could I forget... my brother's engagement party is this weekend - uh oh! Oh well, I suppose all good things must come to an end sooner or later (it has nothing to do with my brother getting married, more the "set ups" that are likely to happen by his fiancee and her friends... *sigh*).

Saturday Night Was Special

On Saturday night I attended a double party: the one's where two people celebrate their birthday at the same party.

Originally I was too tired to go. I mean, singing away all Friday night sure does take it out of you and my body is no longer the spritey 21 year-old it once was: I now value my sleep! And add to that fact that I had to wake early on Saturday morning to attend an all-day conference my body was lifeless after 6pm.

But I have this philosophy in life...

If you do something that your body and mind doesn't want to do (provided it's not illegal or immoral) you'll generally find that by doing that something that you don't want to do something good will come of it.

When I was extremely shy I would find as many excuses not to do things, and eventually after limiting myself so many times I did nothing - and when you do nothing you become nothing, which I eventually realised was something I didn't want to be! So I trained myself to attack things with reckless abandon and when I did I'd have the best time - eventually it became an addiction and my shyness dissipated.

Some good examples have been church services and exercise - some of the times I just didn't want to do either, yet after doing it something good always became of it.

And Saturday night ended up being no different! Even though my body and mind were sapped, I dragged myself to my mate's party and what would you know...

I caught up with a good old friend from my university days - Joanne.

We spoke pretty much all night!

See, Joanne and I did the exact same degree, but didn't know each other until I found a job in the city and worked with her.

We pretty much hit it off straight away as friends: her beautiful personality, along with her great smile and gorgeous laugh cemented her position as a friend for life. She's also South African, has an attractive face and a body to die for! But all that was secondary (if she didn't have the primary qualities I like in the opposite sex then I guarantee you we wouldn't have gone far as friends).

So yes, Joanne had the whole package - heck, even my mum fell in love with her whenever Jo would call me for help with an assignment and my mum ever only knew her from over the phone!

Yep, uni was great.

So we had some good times at uni and work - we turned the mundane into magic (a quality that I hope my future wife and I can similarly do)!

It was a shame that we could never keep in touch over the 5 odd years since uni, but Saturday night was definitely a special night.

I hadn't felt that good for quite some time.

Why didn't we take the friendship further back at uni? I hear you ask... we both had partners at the time.

Why don't we take the friendship further now? I hear you ask... she's getting married in April.

And he's a great bloke too.

So my weekend was fantastic and to think that it's going to be 36 degrees today which can only mean one thing...


Kind of like the cherry on top.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Australian Idol Watchout!

On Wednesday my mate Bruce called and left a message on my phone informing me that I needed to be in Northbridge Friday night at 7:30pm.

I didn't know what the occassion was for and I wasn't too happy about venturing back into Northbridge, but after finding out on Friday morning that it was Bruce's birthday I couldn't say no.

Upon arriving at the venue at 7:30pm I didn't notice the words on the window that read "Karaoke Bar" - I was too busy trying to find Bruce. When I saw him I headed towards his table and wished him a happy birthday. I was then introduced to other members of the party and on my last introduction met "Linda" who opened with,

"Have we met before?"

I did a quick scan of my memory banks and nothing came up.

"No, don't think so," I answered, "but that pick-up line's a little old."

She didn't appreciate the humour and continued staring at me - obviously scanning her memory banks.

"I'm pretty sure I've met you somewhere," she said finding a seat near me.

Oh no! I've got a stalker!

As dinner progressed Linda kept her interrogation going. But it only took her about 3 questions to find out if I was single... most other chics that approach with this question usually take about a dozen (at least if a chic takes a dozen questions to get to the main "Are you single?" type question it doesn't make it AS obvious), but Linda wasn't wasting any time...

"What's your girlfriend's name?" she asked (aka "Are you single?").

"I'm single," I replied, "and you're really starting to freak me out."

Eventually the "starting to freak me out" turned into a full blown "okay, now I'm going to need to call the cops!" - she just wouldn't stop.

Questions then moved to what I've done and what I'm currently doing, and even though I tried to turn the interrogation tables she wouldn't answer a thing (can you see why I was really fraking out?). Instead of just having a normal conversation between strangers she stayed on this interrogation tangent all night keeping one eye on me at all times for any movement that would trigger "the memory".

I think for the first time in my life I knew what if felt like for chics who get stared at by freaky members of the opposite sex!

When our dinner finished the owner of the Chinese restaurant stood up on the dance floor and began giving some instructions about holding the microphone.

What's he talking about? I wondered, but when I looked over at Bruce I saw him thumbing through a karaoke song list.

Oh no!

The owner's instructions were quite simple:
  • No standing on the small stage

  • No looking into the projector's light

  • Lyrics are on the small television screen in front

  • Keep the microphone a small distance away from your mouth... not too far otherwise you're not heard, and not too close in case you swallow the microphone!

The Chinese owner then led the way by belting out a pretty good tune... it was going to be a hard act to follow!

Other tables put their requests in and it came as no surprise to everyone that the table which only had chics went first.

People from other tables ordered more drinks and some couldn't handle the pressure and went outside to calm the nerves by sucking on a few cigarettes.

Linda was one of these.

Eventually Linda's turn came up and she staggered on stage and sung Madonna's "Like A Prayer".

It was terrible, but with everyone else singing along it muffled out her screaming... ahem... singing.

Other less sober women took the stage and with more ear bleeding the birthday boy eventually rolled on stage...

Seeing Bruce taking all the spotlight Linda decided to join in and with a second mic took to the stage...

As the night wore on Bruce's high-pitched singing had everyone on stage...

As midnight neared I realised that we hadn't sang Bruce "Happy Birthday" yet!


I went to the DJ chic and asked if my song could be bumped up the list.

Thanks to my good looks and sober charm she more than happily agreed to place me next.

Unfortunately time was of the essence - we were only 15 minutes to midnight.

Just as the last song was nearing it's end one inebriated woman from the chic table grabbed the microphone and began screaming for the blokes on an all-man table to sing.

Oh crap, I thought, not now!

Sure enough the woman was able to pry two men away from their fixed seats and get them on the dance floor. The two men had to choose a song and what would you know they sang some Chinese song that seemed to have gone longer than "American Pie"!

Happy that the woman achieved a momentous task by getting two men onto the dance floor singing away at some Asian song that no one but the owner understood - made everybody quieten down and drink some more while they sang away.

I didn't know how long the song was going to last, but with each passing minute I was getting more and more disappointed that my window of opportunity was going to pass by.

At 11:57pm the strange Asian song aburptly stopped (apparently that was how the song went?!), people clapped and then silence echoed throughout the restaurant as people turned to the DJ wondering who was next.

As she figeted for the DVD, people began chanting, "Who's next? Who's next? Who's next?..."

I thought that due to the length of time she took she had forgotten my request, but then the speakers boomed...

"Next song is sung by Ryan."

People clapped, not knowing who it was, but when they saw me step up to the microphone everybody went quiet. I clicked the microphone on, put it only an inch away from my mouth and said,

"Before it's too late and Bruce's wheelchair turns into a pumpkin, I'd like for us to all sing him a happy birthday."

And with that the restaurant erupted into a drunken happy birthday song for Bruce.

Okay, maybe I can get away with just that, I thought, but then the DJ announced my song...

"Now Ryan will sing 500 miles by Proclaimers."

The music started, people began clapping and I had no choice but to start belting out a tune...

"When I wake up... well I know I'm gunna be, I'm gunna be the man who wakes up next to you..."

Then have a guess who gets up on stage?

Yep, you guessed it... Linda.

Thankfully she didn't pick up the other microphone. Instead she waved one of her arms over her head whilst maintaining balance with the other holding a beer. At every mention of the word "you" she would turn her head towards me and give me that interrogative eye.

Eventually other chics moved over to the dance floor and in their drunken stupor began dancing away... Linda had competition!

Seeing that other chics were moving onto the dance floor she quickly picked up the other microphone and joined in as an unwanted duet.

One of the chics danced close enough to get my attention so I focussed on serenading her for the rest of the song. Linda tried reeling me in with my microphone cord, but after quickly standing on the cord she gave up tugging!

When the song finished everybody clapped and the next person was announced (I think it was Linda).

I quietly said my goodbye's to Bruce and his woman and slipped away into the night.

Happy Birthday Bruce.

Thursday, February 09, 2006


Yesterday at the gym I caught up with the cute gym co-ordinator with the kinky name: Kirby.

Besides her gorgeous smile she has striking features that even a colour-blind person such as myself can't help but find it difficult to look away. When we initially met Kirby HAD red hair with blonde streaks, that clashed well with her clear green eyes - like Castle Rock green.

I suppose in a way she probably looked like a traffic light: red (hair), amber (blonde streaks), green (eyes)... I didn't know whether to stop or go!


Anyway, yesterday was her first day back from a lengthy 2 month holiday and I noticed that she had changed her hair colour. While she was cleaning the gym equipment I came over and asked,
"Do you clean houses too?"

She turned around saw me, smiled and replied,
"Well I'd do anything for money at the moment?"

Anything is a big word, it has three syllables and encompasses a whole range of things, so with a quizzical look and cocked eyebrow I returned with a simple,

Her smile broadened and she brushed off the question with,
"Yeah I need more money for college which is starting up again in a couple of weeks."

Conversation then moved to her degree before I then asked her about the noticable change since last time we spoke,
"What happened to your red hair?"

Apparently the change was brought about from doing water aerobics in a chlorinated pool during the summer and the tinge of green in her red hair just pushed the boys away... except for the colourblind ones such as myself who would've thought that she had added new blonde streaks to her hair!

But I hope she stays out of that damn pool and grows her red hair back.

The Real Properdom Women

Wait a minute I think I may have got my properdom women mixed up.

Did I say American women are proper?

How can American women be proper when there is a race of women far more deserving of the properdom title than Americans?

I dunno... maybe these women just slipped my mind.

The real properdom title goes to...

British women!

Yep, that's right. British women are the ones with all the formalities, the Buckingham Palaces, the queen, and all that other pomp and ceremony stuff deserving of the properdom title.

Heck, I don't think you can even break wind in Britain without being slapped with a fine!

Properdom at its worst!!

So how possibly can American women even compare?

Not even close.

Wasn't even the American War of Independence fought on the very label of which women would be labelled as properdom?

The REAL truth is finally starting to be revealed - I've now opened the proverbial Pandora properdom box!

So my apologies to all the American chics you can't possibly be labelled as being proper...

It'll have to be something FAR colder.


(Well you are still in winter!)

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Tagged Again - Four Things

Tagged again (thankfully not by an American woman otherwise it may have been a downright slap!)...

Four jobs I’ve had:

1. Cleaner.
2. Copykid.
3. Accounts clerk.
4. Underwear supermodel.

(One of them was a lie... which one?)

Four movies I’d watch on repeat:

1. Braveheart.
2. The Matrix.
3. Good Will Hunting.
4. Underworld.

Four TV shows I love: (at the moment...)

1. House.
2. Survivor.
3. Lost.
4. Prison Break.

(Does Kate Beckinsale have a TV show yet??)

Four vacation spots I’d love to frequent:

1. Hawaii.
2. Anywhere that has a beach with white squeaky sand.

Four websites I visit daily (among many others):

1. Well obviously FJ's!
2. Gmail
3. My own
4. Yahoo!

Four radio talk shows I love:

1. Radio??? What's that??? Oh, what a minute is that the thing people listen to in their car while I'm bopping away to my mp3 player's FM transmitted tunes? Ooooh...

Four foods I lust for:

1. Apricots.
2. Lemon cheesecake (don't get me started... I haven't had it in ages).
3. Pizza.
4. Chicken Katsu.

Four changes to my house:

1. Closer to the beach.
2. Condo size.

3. With bigger TV.
4. And no annoying neighbours revving up their car's souped up engine in the early hours of the morning (soon his car WILL have problems).

Four beers I like:

Don't drink.

Four artists I like:

1. John Mayer.
2. Bond.
3. Moby.
4. U2.

Four tags: (I can't count...)

1. Ali
2. Katrina
3. Jen
4. Mandy
5. Shelley

Aw heck I'll even squeeze Becky in here too...

6. Becky - or whichever persona she wishes to adopt for this exercise!! ;op

Who's the anchor this time?

Don't Shoot The Messenger!

It seems my last post about Aussie and American women created a furore - especially with American women being labelled as "proper".

Before I start allow me to preface myself by stating...


One (from Florida) I know quite well and she's very amicable (although maybe too amicable as she sure can talk!) and she married an Aussie bloke - so she's alright! The other (from Seattle) I only knew for a short space of time, but she was a little annoying.

And as much as it pains me to say this... she was a typical American tourist comparing pretty much everything to what America had (whether it was bigger, faster, longer... etc etc).

Which, during the whole time she was here, reminded me of that joke...

There was an American that arrived in Sydney who hopped into a cab and asked the cab driver to take him sight-seeing around Australia. On the cab driver's first stop the cabbie took him to the Sydney Harbour Bridge. After showing the American the splendour and size of the Syndey Harbour Bridge the American said,
"In America we have bridges that span over islands and go for miles and miles."

So, the cab driver, feeling inadequate moved on and drove inland to the Blue Mountain Range where he showed the American the Three Sisters. Again the American, unimpressed by all the fuss said,
"In America we have the Grand Canyon the largest canyon in the world."

Again the cab driver extended the trip and drove further inland - this time he stopped at Uluru (Eyres Rock). Unimpressed by what the American saw he said,
"In America we've engraved American president's into a rock."

Disappointed that the trip was a failure the cab driver drove back to Syndey. On the way back though a kangaroo jumped out of no where and hit the cab leaving a very large dent in the bonnet and windshield.

"What the hell was that?" asked the American as the kangaroo hopped away.

The cab driver unimpressed by the damage done to his car turned to the American and said,
"Bloody grasshoppers."


But getting back to the Seattle chic, yeah I was a little annoyed. Another thing that we had to do was speak slower so that she could understand what we were saying (if you've read this post the American chic referred to in there is the Seattle chic).

But I will give the Seattle chic credit... she did have a nice smile.

So from two women you've made a universal opinion on what American women are like?

Hey, I might be blonde, but I is not stupid.


I've just gathered intel from all other people who have similarly had experiences with the average American woman and I've noticed that most of them have reported a common theme about them, which is: they're proper.

Yep, I'm saying it again... proper.

I don't know why, but if it's not the case then I don't know why when American women travel overseas they put on a "proper" persona!?

But maybe this has a lot to do with why foreigners are so popular in America - they're something outside the properdom.

Properdom... that's a killer word!

I might have to trademark it... Properdom™

Okay, getting back onto my soapbox...

Yes, American women are attracted to something outside the properdom™ box, something that no other American woman can have because it's different - outside the properdom™ pig pen, so to speak.

Not only that, but American women are hard to please because everything they ever need is inside their properdom™ country - I mean just listen to Lenny Kravitz straining while singing the song "American Woman"! Think about it: all American women need do is from their properdom™ house use their properdom™ internet connection and voila - within minutes they can have whatever their properdom™ mouse clicked on to arrive in their properdom™ letterbox!

Properdom™ Properdom™ Properdom™

American women are just too proper.


To prove a final point: I wonder how many really laughed at the word properdom™?


I rest my case.


Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Aussie Women

On a previous post I learnt a little about North American women from my new American friend Jake who is staying in the land down under for 6 months.

As you may recall I was able to eke out of Jake where the best women in American live, so that if I ever travel to the States I know exactly where to go.

In return Jake wanted to know more about Australian women...

"So what are Australian women like?" he asked looking out at the road ahead.

Three words immediately sprung to mind:

"Down-to-earth," I replied.

"Does that mean they're like... boring?" he asked turning to me.

I laughed.

"No no, but that'd be a great opening line to use on Aussie women with your American accent though."

"I don't get it?"

"Well if you're looking for a way to meet an Aussie woman say, "I hear Aussie women are down-to-earth - does that mean they're boring?". But in essence, down-to-earth means that they're more laid back, more casual, yet also more outgoing and fun. In essence, I guess they don't take life too serious and proper as their North American counterparts."

"Oh ok."

He paused for a little while inserted the missing link of information into his memory and after we had stopped off in Dunsborough for a bite to eat asked a new series of questions about women in general...

"Can you be forward with Australian women?"

(I was a little puzzled as to what he exactly said, his American accent made it sound as though he asked "Can you be Ford with Australian women?")

"You mean Harrison Ford?" I asked.

Then he was puzzled as to what exactly I asked.


We had to go back to square one,

"Sorry what did you ask before?"

"Can you be forward with Australian women? You know, as in approach a woman and tell her that's she beautiful."

Jake obviously needed some help.

"Jake, let me ask you something. Let's say you inherent this stunning house and you decide to live in it. You soon find that people from all over the place walk past and remark on how beautiful your house is, but they never knock on your door because they're too afraid that someone with such an extravant house would probably be too preoccupied with their wealthy endeavours to spend 5 minutes with them. Let's now say that on one day you're out in your front yard doing some gardening and as people go walking past they tell you that you have a beautiful house. How does that make you feel?"

"I'd feel good," Jake replied trying to figure out what this had to do with Ford women.

"Right. Now let's say you hear this from 1000 different people. In other words 1,000 different people come past your house and say the same thing. Still feel good?"

"Yeah, but it would lose it's effect."

"Exactly," it was time for me to bring home the point, "attractive women know they're attractive - they'll more than likely deny it when asked, but the point is is that they've heard the same line hundreds of times from all different sorts of guys. If you want to impress a woman then DON'T do what other guys do - BE DIFFERENT."

Jake pondered this for a little while and I could hear the thought processes churning inside his head.

"Mmm, I see what you're saying."

"I personally like doing something that sees a woman smile and laugh, and if possible make it something funny about them..."

"I don't get it why would you make fun of an attractive woman?" Jake asked curious as to my unorthodox style.

"Because if there's one thing I've learned Jake, it's that outer beauty only lasts so long. I want to know the inside - the man inside the house so to speak. I want to see if she has a great smile and can laugh at things... even stuff about herself. To me it shows a great deal about the inner person, but each bloke has their own method of finding out the quickest way to sort the good ones from the bad."

I don't think Jake could clearly understand my rationale. I mean, I suppose for a 20-year old male it's kind of difficult to comprehend - I know I was no different at age 20. Only now does it make a lot more sense and I can also understand why women date older men: the young ones just don't get it.

"But the real clincher though Jake, is not what you say to a woman - it's how you say it."

It took me awhile to learn that little gem, but it's so true.

"Women can read your body language like you wouldn't believe. Every twitch, every breath, the length of eye contact, the stressing of vowels, it goes on and on... If you've ever got ulterior motives whenever you approach a woman you'd better watch out - they can sense it."

Jake was starting to get to saturation point with all this helpful advice. His mind began wandering, so I decided to wrap it up.

"Whenever you approach an attractive women, be calm and confident. If you're nervous it's usually because you're expecting something from her, like a date, so don't expect anything. Talk to her as though she were just an old friend, or bratty sister."

I decided to stop.

I wasn't quite sure whether I had answered Jake's initial question, but I gave him some pearls that I hope he took on board.

After a momentary period of silence Jake asked,

"I don't get it then, how come you're still single?"

I smiled, thought about whether I should disclose this blog to him, but simply replied,

"I've got high standards."

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Busy Busy Busy

Haven't posted for about a week and that has a lot to do with being busy.

A lot is happening and probably one of the more exciting things is my brother's engagement party in 2 weeks.

His fiancee seems hell bent on trying to hook me up with a single woman at their engagement party... can't say I'm too impressed, but I'll save the details for later.

Anyway, can't stay too long, so I thought I'd entertain you with another personality test result... interesting and true results...

Your Five Factor Personality Profile


You have medium extroversion.

You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.

Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.

But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."


You have high conscientiousness.

Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.

Most things in your life are organized and planned well.

But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.


You have high agreeableness.

You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.

Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.

You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.


You have low neuroticism.

You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.

Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.

Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is medium.

You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.

But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.

You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.