No, that's not my phone number, that's my brother's golf score yesterday.
And no, that's not my post code, that's how many golf balls we lost!
For Christmas family, friends and my brother's fiancee all decided that we'd buy my brother a golf set. My brother had tinkered with golf and mini-golf before, but had never seriously taken the sport up... I don't think it's a serious sport to take up anyway!
However, after talking it through with his insider (his woman) we all decided that getting him his own set of golf clubs would be an ideal gift for Christmas.
It wasn't until I saw the price tag for these babies where I thought that we should possibly look at just getting him a kiddie plastic toy golf set!
But, the spy (his woman) was adamant - it was to be a proper golf set or nothing, to me this wasn't no difficult option: nothing sounded good. It would put more spending money into the pockets of family members hell-bent on purchasing Kate Beckinsale for me!
His woman wouldn't have a bar of it... the golf set was going to be purchased! (I've got to admit my brother's woman certainly has drive... an attractive trait in women if I do say so myself... my brother's picked a winner there!)
Continuing on the treacherous shopping journey we soon discovered that finding the right set of clubs would be more difficult that it seemed, I mean, my brother stands at 6'3" but this information wasn't enough to tailor a set of clubs for his structure. We needed to know his wingspan, his arm and leg ratio, his hand size, how many times he goes to the toilet, and 100 other strange personal questions among other things... I didn't know whether I had walked into a golf store or a doctor's surgery!?
In the end my initial idea came through: we gave him a kiddie set of plastic golf clubs... with money inside to buy the golf set tailored to his frame.
On Tuesday that golf set arrived and he was itching to play.
So, what happened after work on Wednesday?
We went out and played a round.
Here's what happened on our 9 hole game at Point Walter Public Golf Course yesterday...
FIRST TEE: PAR 4
Being the elder brother and showing how golf things were down I took the first tee off. Thankfully no body was around. After doing some light stretches and telling him the processes that were going through my head and the actions of my body I let the first one rip...
Unfortunately the WIND took my shot and sliced it so far that I think it may have hit China!
10 minutes after my brother had calmed himself down from laughing so hard he took the first hit and did exactly the same thing... slicing it onto the left side of the tee onto a group of young kids.
"FORE!" he yelled, but it was too late... kids were already laying on the grass knocked unconscious.
"Here," I motioned taking off my golf glove, "wear this when you go and retrieve your golf ball so that you don't leave any fingerprints!"
We quickly pushed on, making ourselves very hidden as we moved onto the next tee.
SECOND TEE: PAR 3
This hole was a short memorable par three.
My brother teed off first and yet again uncontrollably sliced the ball sending all forms of wildlife... well... wild!
"I'll show you how it's done," I assured him.
"I tee off with a 7 iron on this hole," I said wiggling my bum as I settled down into a comfortable golf hitting position.
I never knew why really.
"I dunno, I just use it because 7's a lucky number and I need all the help I can get I suppose?!"
I swang back, kept my head down and hit the ball so hard I think it exploded.
"Where did it go?" he asked.
My eyes darted back and forth down the course trying to find some semblance of a ball... or dead bird, or body, just so I could try to locate my ball.
I randomly pointed somewhere near the tee and said,
"I think it landed down near the green down there."
THIRD HOLE: PAR 4
This was where magic happened.
Being the next to tee off first I began teaching my brother more about properly teeing off. Again I went through the routine of wiggling my bum like a complete golfing pro and giving it everything I had...
It went no further than 5 meters.
I could have spat further.
When my brother teed off for his third time... yet again... he sliced the friggin ball landing him back on the second hole.
"Next time how about you kinda aim 90 degrees to the right of whatever it is you're going to go for?" I advised, "maybe then you'll get it on the fairway."
It wasn't until we got within 30 meters of the hole that I pulled off one of my best shots EVER.
There I was holding my 9 iron like a complete professional, I again commentated what I was doing to my brother so that he too would learn from a true hidden golfing talent like me and when I struck the ball it looped up, bounced a couple of times on the green dribbled a bit... and then dribbled some more until it drooled... and then...
IT SUNK IN THE HOLE!!!!
"What the frig..."
I was in shock.
I ran around the green half-naked with my top covered over my face screaming in the delight - when I ran into a tree I had had enough. My brother stood there with his jaw on the ground as I "gracefully" went and "retrieved" my ball from the hole.
I think from that point on my brother was in awe.
Message to Tiger Woods... LOOK OUT!!!
FOURTH HOLE: PAR 4
This was a long hole. So long in fact that you needed a pair of binoculars to see the flag!
My brother was the first to tee off and after taking my advice on the third tee... ended up hitting the damn thing straight on his 90 degree turn and it therefore went over onto the fifth hole - he didn't slice it this time!!!!?
"No. No. No. You're not doing it right," I sighed, "watch me again."
I took the normal golf stance with the normal bum wiggle and again smacked the crap out of the little white sucker sending it on an orbit to Mars.
"Where did it go?" my brother asked trying to keep an eye on it.
"Oh come on man, can't you see it landed on the fairway over the hill?"
I had no idea where it went!
After chipping it onto the green I had to wait about 20 minutes while my brother done some tree lopping and long-grass cutting for the greensman as he tried to get his ball onto the green.
Eventually he made it although I think he spent more time in the rough than on the fairway... in fact I don't think he even got it onto the fairway on this hole!
FIFTH TEE: PAR 4
This tee presented us with a little bit of a challenge... it curved around to the left.
Okay, let me rephrase that: this was going to be a challenge for normal right-handed golf players such as myself, but to my neurotic left-handed crazy slicing brother this was going to be a cinch.
"Okay, for this hole, totally disregard everything I said and just hit as you normally do."
My advice worked well.
He sliced it, it curved around the bend and actually stayed on the fairway!
To him it felt like he had hit a hole in one.
But that's pretty much all the excitement he had for this hole travelling yet again into the bush.
SIXTH TEE: PAR 3
Another short hole.
"7 iron?" my brother asked looking at me as I grabbed a club from my bag.
After seeing what happened on the second hole I decided to tone it down to an 8 iron.
"Nah, just an 8 iron will do."
Just as I teed off I think a mini-cyclone came in and interrupted my perfect golf shot. My ball sailed so far off the beaten track that I think it landed in the land Oz!
"Where did that one go?" he asked.
"It's no good if you're going to watch my technique and not keep your eyes on where the ball went. It landed somewhere near the green. I'm pretty unlucky today... I'd have at LEAST ONE par, and maybe a birdie today."
"Well I've had a few birdie's today," said my brother as we walked towards the green.
"Yes, but you killed them so it kinda doesn't count."
SEVENTH TEE: PAR 3
Several more balls were sent into orbit from this tee. It didn't help with the tee-off being elevated extra higher than normal from the standard grass level fairway either!
All we saw when my brother teed off was a white dot getting smaller and smaller until it vapourised upon re-entering the Earth's atmosphere.
I don't know where you have to play the shot from if your ball gets vapourised but I suppose the white obstruction in the middle of the fairway is as good a spot as any (heck, maybe that's the reason why it's there in the first place!).
EIGHTH TEE: PAR 4
This is the tee where I have my near death experience.
After taking a photo of a bunch of galahs ripping up the grass...
... I turn around to see another big galah ripping up the grass, only to be met with a golf ball heading straight for me (can you see it?)...
Yep, that's right, picture this if you will: I'm standing no more than 10 meters away from a crazy golf swinging lunatic and I've got a golf ball heading straight for me!
In a quick steel-trap-like reflex I take the photo, protect valuable body parts, and duck - all in one strange ninja action.
The ball, travelling at break neck speeds, passes through my legs (inches off of my wedding tackle) and whizzes through into the scrub.
Was all my brother could whimper.
"HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU HOOK IT???? You coulda killed me!"
My brother went from a mad slicer now to a crazy hooker... all while I was innocently standing there minding my own business.
To say that I was a little turned off my game on this hole would have been an understatement... I found nothing but rough on my way to the hole...
I don't know how but from this shot I ended up perfectly getting it stuck in a spot that even Tiger Woods would have had difficulty getting into... I'm talented I tell ya...
NINTH HOLE: PAR 4
Lastly, the ninth hole was "textbook" to everything I had taught him on the previous eight.
1) Look down at the ball to make sure it's there and you know what you're hitting.
2) Aim at where you are going to hit it (even if you have no clue on how to get it there).
3) Whack the crap out of the small white terd (you don't want to be seen as a wimp now do you?).
4) Take cover!
5) Or recover ball if you could have spat further (aka mulligan)
6) Try again...
7) Hunt for your ball... again...
8) Keep it out of the sand...
9) Putt straight...
10) Keep practicing...
So... who wants to go again?