Perth, Western Australia
24 December 2005
ATTN: Santa Claus
I would like to inform your office that I have been an extremely good boy throughout the year.
I know that my "naughty or nice" meter would indicate a heavy leaning towards the nice side, but I would like to take this special moment to quickly draw your attention to one particular act that may have been possibly labeled as "naughty".
I'm hoping that by clarifying this item I will be able to receive many of the Christmas gifts that I have posted to you throughout the year (I have noted the major ones at the bottom of this letter in case they have been misplaced).
Okay, the "naughty" item that I would like to draw your attention to is: my blog.
I would like to say that the blog I created back in July drew the attention of between 2 and 3 billion people from all over the world - mostly just 2 though (myself being one of them, and the other probably my mum!). However, on this web site I said some things that may have been construed as being "naughty" (especially content that was targeted at blondes and/or women), but for the record I would just like to tell you that all that stuff about blondes and women is truth.
I decided to expose the truth, because the alternative (such as telling a lie) would have seen my "naughty" meter tick up to dizzying heights, making it virtually impossible for me to do any good acts to balance the "naughty or nice" meter.
So, if there are any "naughty" ticks in reference to my blog could you please check to make sure that no blonde female employees were marking me on those items.
Apart from that the last piece of information I need to give you is on procedures.
There are two chimney sweeps in this house. One is only about 6 inches in diameter the other about 2 feet wide. While I always wondered how on earth you were able to travel down our 6 inch in diameter chimney sweep back when I was a kid in my old parent's house, I would like to guide your attention to the 2-foot wide chimney.
I have chosen the 2-foot wide chimney for several reasons, two of which include the ability to get your fat self down it quicker, and the other so you can also get some of those large gifts I've been wanting easier and without scratches. If you want I can coat the inside chimney walls with vaseline to help speed up the "delivery" process.
Also, as I know many other children are likely have chocolate, candy and all other forms of junk food ready for you, I have been a little more considerate of your health knowing that you've spent the last 12 months burning off last Christmas' fat, therefore I will leave an apple at the base of the 2-foot wide chimney for you.
Here is a photo illustrating where it will be:
(Please don't forget to take the apple core with you and dispose of it thoughtfully.)
I hope that by taking into consideration your overweight problem my "naughty" meter would have been reduced to zero and that most of my Christmas wishes come true.
To make sure you have an up-to-date list I diclose my most important wishes here...
- Kate Beckinsale - I understand that she's married and has a heavy "naughty" meter, but if you could possibly search around for a clone or cleaner version of Kate and pop her in the bag that would be greatly appreciated!
- Ferrari Enzo - I understand that getting this baby down the chimney will be a little difficult, but if you could just pop the car in the driveway and leave the keys down at the base of the chimney that would be fine!
- A machine that allows you to lose all body fat, give bulging biceps, abs of steel, trim legs and other such muscle all without lifting a finger - I'd give you the product name and code, but I'm yet to find one. If you happen to come across one in your travels I'd love for you to send one down the hole.
- A good cook - while I'm thankful of those great friends and family that cook for me, I'd be greatly indebted to your service if you happen to provide a good cook - especially if it's female and look's like the person mentioned at point 1 above!
- More hot weather - please don't take any of the weather with you when you come down here. There has been nothing but cold and wintry weather down here since summer started, if you can collect a few clouds on your travels please feel free to do so.
- A winning lottery ticket (preferably the Christmas lotto one that has a jackpot of $30-odd million) - I've asked for this many times but every time I think you've either placed it into the wrong household. Please check my double check my address before putting it down the tube.
I could go on with hundreds more, but I think they're the main ones.
If you have any hassles please don't hesitate to contact me anytime between now and midnight.
I thank you for your wonderful service and look forward to seeing what you've left me at the bottom of the chimney tomorrow.
From your good little Aussie vegemite,