Saturday, December 03, 2005

It's Me Or The Goatee

I can see the same thing happening in my brother as what happened to me many moons ago with my previous girlfriend.

My brother has sported a goatee for quite some time and just last week he was given the ultimatum by his woman:

"It's either me or that fuzzy thing around your lips."

What happened? Yep, you guessed it: the goatee was gone. All in the name of "love".

Same thing happened to me some time ago.

I too sported the goatee. It made me look much older than what I was, and made me feel like a man. Without it I felt like a naked little school boy.

Same went for my brother... now that he shed his beloved goatee FOR love he's lost his manhood and knocked 10 years off his life, instead of being 25 he looks 15.

BUT, his woman LOVES the new look.

The way my goatee got up and walked out was through the ever so subtle attacks.

"BUT," shrieks a woman from the other side of the room, "if I have to shave, pluck and wax areas that would similarly bring tears to a grown man's eyes should it be done to him then YOU MEN should have at least the decency to keep that face shaven."

How do we respond to something like that?

Well, my response to the first attack my previous girlfriend made that was similar to the above was that if she wanted to be a hairy beast than it was fine by me!

I look at my hairy body every day in the mirror and think what a wonderful sexy beast I am. Hair doesn't bother me.

"But it hurts when I kiss you," she added.

There's no doubting that whenever she'd ravish me passionately with a kiss that my prickly little facial cactus would puncture her face a thousand times, but I just responded with an easy solution,
"Don't kiss me then."

This presented a problem: one that she couldn't come back with except the infamous,

And then the test was on. Who was going to break first? Would she be unable to control her emotions and explode, or would I break and shave it off. To be honest I actually wanted to see how far this thing got, so I played it casually and countered any moody quips with teases such as...

"Oh, my lips are so supple today."
"I don't think I've ever had them so soft before."
"Even Angelina Jolie would be jealous."

Somebody couldn't take it any longer and eventually exploded: and it wasn't me.

The first battle was won, but the war was far from over... and that's the biggest mistake I think us blokes make - we think the issue has now been settled. The battle may have been won but she's off regrouping thinking of another angle of attack.

So, in due time, the issue reared it's ugly head again. This time the attack was a little different.

It was the dreaded "You don't love me" ploy.

I had tackled this argument many times before, and this time was going to be no different in it's response:

"That's right I don't love you," I said, "I just hang around you because I feel sorry for you."

And again, her answer was her cut-copy-paste response...

"You're such an ass!" followed by another week of cold shoulderings and evil looks.

It wasn't until the third battle that I hit a snag.

I had never tackled the word "compromise" before in a relationship. Heck, isn't the guy always right? So why compromise? BUT, with this compromise came a cool and casual calculated challenge,
"Try it. You can always grow it back if you want to."

Just as Samson was "vexed unto death" by Delilah, I too felt my soul vexed unto death over something so trivial.

Unfortunately, I caved in on the third attempt - I had no response, no comeback to something like that. In fact, I felt as though I was still in control, just doing it to show her that really I do look much better with it ON. So, while I'd like to be able to think that my goatee came off through a slip of the hand while I shaved, I'd be lying to you dear friends.

The goatee came off.

And then she lathered it on thick and fast: validation.

That she absolutely LOVED the new look and was even more passionate with her kisses. But not only did it stop there.

Oh no... she now got external validation.

Every opportunity she had she would tell her friends to look at the "new" me and tell me whether it was a good move or not. I don't think any woman said,
"No, I really liked the goatee."

None of the women had balls.

And what did my mates think? Well, let's just say they had never laughed so hard before, but they got used to it.

So, dear brother, you'll find that nothing is sacred. Next will be to grow your hair longer. Followed by a nose job. Then maybe a pierced ear. Then when she's done with you you'll look pretty much just like her!

Don't do it!

Long live the goatee.


Shelly said...

Personally, I like the goatee. I think it's sexy and it makes you look older. I also think that a girl shouldn't pressure a guy into changing how he looks or acts. Just the same with guys, guys shouldn't pressure girls into changing who they are either.

Ryan said...

You're an amazing woman JB!


And I agree.


Shelly said...

Thanks Ryan. You have to be the first guy that I've never met to say that about me, lol.

Ryan said...


Well there's always a first for everything JB, especially here in my blog (anything is likely to happen - I even catch weird Canadians in here!).

I'm still trying to figure out your first name: does it start with A?


Shelly said...

LOL! Actually, you went the wrong way in the alphabet.

You gotta watch out for those Canadians, they're crazy! lol

Ryan said...

Yeah, I know there's only one sane Canadian I've met here in this blog and that's Miss Canada: but I think living in the U.S. has made her "normal".

We need to watch out for the ones still living IN Canada that come here.

So your name starts with "S" is that right?

Is it Shania? Sexy? Sexy Shania??


Shelly said...

Hey, you're on the right track with the "Sh" part. Good job! :p

Shelly said...

OMG! Is it really almost six there? It's four A.M. here. Dang!

Ryan said...

What are you doing up so late Shelley... Sharla... Shannon... Sharon... Shirley... Sherry???

Am I getting close??

4am! Whoa! Do you sleep?

Or, are you so popular that the only time you get free is early in the morning?

Shelly said...

You guess it! (wrong spelling though) Woohoo!!(applause)It is Shelly.

Who needs sleep?! lol I was just talking to a friend of mine on MSN messenger. I would like to think I'm popular, but that's not the case. Kinda hard to be popular when you're homeschooled and do't know anybody. lol

Ryan said...

Well you're famous now... you've been commenting on my blog!

Heck, you might even beat a crazy Canadian's record in here for the highest number of comments posted on one blog and be extremely popular!

Don't you finish homeschooling within 6 months or so?

Shelly said...

Yeah, I don't think so. There were ALOT of comments by her. lol

Homeschooling (at least in this country) takes just about the same amount of time as public school. But if you want to you can get it all over and done with whenever you want, you just have to work really hard and do your work fast. But I wish it only took 6 months, I could have already started my career.(whatever that may be) lol

Ryan said...

So how long have you got, Shelly?

And what would you like to do when you're done? Werk? College? Uni?

Shelly said...

This is my last year of HS. I can't wait to get it over and done with. Afterwards, I'm going to a Chrstian college in Florida (only because my dad wants me to). As for a career....I have no idea. My parents want me to take a career assessment test. Hopefully that will give me some idea what I might be good at. Until then, I guess I will just hang out on the computer. lol

mandy said...

Compromise is a word that is far too misused in most relationships today. Personally, I think the 5 o'clock shadow and male facial hair is extremely sexy, but hey to each her own. Getting pressured into something that you don't like is never cool.

Kristina said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kristina said...

Lols, this was funny, i underwent the same process with a guy i was with, i really liked the "clean-shaven look," and so i told my guy that either he shaved it or, he did. But after i refused to kiss him for a whole month. He was really laughing as he read your post cause he realized that this issue is a universal one. ;) Keep posting! You light up my day.

Ryan said...

G'day Lil_Brunette!

The good thing about goatee's... they grow back!