Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Christmas Shopping

If there's one time during the year where my creative genius goes bonkers, yet at the same time fails me it's Christmas... sometimes I can think of great ideas, but they never necessarily amount to anything that could be used as a gift!

Today I decided to START my Christmas shopping... yes, that's right, START.

See, I figure that most people (especially smart ones) try and avoid the rush by getting their Christmas shopping done early. So, by the time Christmas actually draws near (say 5 days away) the shopping malls are all empty... and that's where I come in!

I call this way of thinking oopsie-daisy reverse psychology ("reverse reverse psychology" would sound like I'm having a stuttering fit)... and I'll admit it works only some of the time.

Anyway, today I started... and no sooner had I entered the men's clothing section had I become swamped by women from all angles asking me to take my clothes off and to try these pants, these shorts on, these boardies on (etc)!

I couldn't believe it!!!

I mean what ever happened to common courtesy and decency?

Did I hear anyone ask please?

Nope, it was just, "Clothes off - NOW."

So, being one to never say "No" to women hell-bent on getting their Christmas shopping done in 5 minutes whilst carrying a tonne of shopping with their small finger, nor one to leave a woman in distress, I decided to help all these women that were desperately looking for the right article of clothing for their man.

When the dust settled and the women made their selected decisions I thought to myself

I wonder if this happens over at the boxers and briefs section??

So I quickly skidded over to the underwear section and waited...

...and waited.

I even started flashing a few pairs around hoping that by doing so it would spark some chics memory to buy a pair for their man, but all I got was an elderly lady asking me where the male G-strings were!!

I quickly high-tailed it out of there!

(Can you believe that this store has mirrors right near the men's underwear section?? What?? Are men supposed to strip right there in public and try these articles of clothing on and look in the mirror to see whether they've got the right size???)

I can't ever go to Garden City Shopping Center without at least going through one of my favourite stores: Freedom Furniture. While I may never buy anything from here, I sure try and get some ideas for what I'd like my future home to have.

So, as I walked aimlessly through I suddenly had a flash of brilliance... why not test some of the dining room furniture by eating my lunch and dinner here!

Sure, it might be the longest Subway and McDonald's meal I'm ever likely to have as I "test" eating my meal at each piece of furniture, but it will allow me to reach an informed buying decision... just like the female furniture fit test!

Brilliant idea, eh?

In fact, I don't know why FF have their own cafe or lunch bar inside so that people can actually dine out on the furniture?? ... Man I'm full of good ideas today - tis a shame I can't think of one thing to get my mum.


But... if there's one thing that frustrated me a little bit while perusing through FF it was this "art"...

Have a guess how much these babies retail for?

AU$279 EACH... yep, for all three you're going to need to shell out a cool AU$837.

All for just some green lines that looks as though some two year old drew over a white canvas!?!?

Heck, I'll do it for 10 bucks... and for all three!! I could even find you a two year old that could do it for a lolly!

After walking through some more stores to gather more "great" ideas my phone beeped and I received a text message from none other than my mum.

I opened it and all the message read was a frightening...

"I'm watching u"


I quickly dropped to the ground, stayed low, and slowly crawled out of the "Bras 'N Things" store. If I was going to explain myself I was going to think up of a good excuse - maybe I could tell her that I was buying something for her in there, but even THAT thought made me repulse!


I quickly called.

An evil witchy voice answered the phone and screechily said, "I can see you."

"Umm... hi... mum... where are you?"

As lady luck would have it she was getting her hair cut in one of the bigger department stores that I had browsed through only moments before.



Okay, moving on... the last stop of my Christmas adventure, before embarking on another tomorrow, was to purchase some men's shampoo.

Alright, so it's not an actual gift for someone per se, but I needed it... and boy did I have a hard time finding some! In fact, it was so hard there were none in the store whatsoever!

I even had two staff chics bamboozled!

In the end they told me that all shampoo was the same and that I should just buy the normal stuff.

"Normal stuff?" I said, "You mean the stuff that makes me smell like a flower?"

They just stared at me.

I continued, "I don't know whether you've noticed this, but... I'm a bloke. Smelling like a flower will likely see my Y-chromosome flop off."

"Well how about this fruit flavoured shampoo?" they asked.

I looked at the label and the flavour of this shampoo was "Mango and Passionfruit".

"What is this? A drink?"

"You can hardly smell it," they whined, "here... smell my hair?"

I moved closer to one of the chics who presented me with a section of her hair, I sniffed it and let out a noxious cough.

"Oh man! That's bad!"

Her jaw dropped in shock horror and she quickly grabbed her hair and smelt it herself, making sure that she did actually wash it this morning... she knew I was playing and laughed.

In the end I had to settle for second best so I bought a "Peach and Kiwifruit" shampoo... I'll just have to make sure I use it very lightly.

And to think that the chics then tried to sell me on purchasing some conditioner!


What the heck is that???

I just want to wash my hair. Not nourish it, and moisturise it, and ex-foliate it or whatever the heck that stuff does.

All a bloke wants is something that makes the dirt in his hair to leave - that's all!

Nothing more, nothing less.

I suppose if I had a million dollars I'd set up my own men's shampoo business, and possibly call it Shaypoo ("Shay" is how my surname is pronounced). I can even picture the product's jungle now:

"Shaypoo - for men. No flowers, no musky flavours or fruity loops - just pure 100% Shay-poo!"

Ah Christmas...

Oh well, tomorrow will be round 2.

(Did I mention that I get sick of hearing those Christmas jingles?)


Anonymous said...

Bumper sticker: Boycott Shampoo - Demand REAL poo.

Good luck with the Xmas shopping.

Ryan said...



Thanks anon!

There was a popular jingle for a gardening company which went,
"Soils ain't soils"

A similar gardening company (specialising more on the manure-side of gardening) took it a step further and advertised,
"Poos ain't poos"

I wonder if I can steal that last gardening company's jingle?


(BTW - is this anon an actual anon, or is this "Kate" anon?)

Jennifer said...

I've done a fair amount of clothes shopping for my brother and dad, and I have NEVER asked some random guy to try stuff on! Maybe it's an Aussie thing ...

Also, does anybody give you funny looks when you're taking digital pictures in the store? :) I'd feel freaky doing that and I'm a journalist!

Ryan said...

G'day Jen!

Yeah, I know... I found it weird too. It has happened to me several times actually, so maybe it *is* an Aussie thing.

Or maybe they just want a piece of my hot sexy body!!!


One instance that had me a little worried was one woman who asked if I could try something on so that she could see if the clothing was right for her HUSBAND!?

I thought to myself:
"You don't even know you're own husband's clothing size!?"

(Then again, maybe she was only JUST married.)

Or maybe she was looking to get a piece of the action too!


The secret for taking photos in stores: don't make it look as though you're taking a photo!

When I was in Freedom Furniture I had some quizzical looks from staff members, and I was never asked, but if they did I was going to pull the...
"I'm buying a gift for someone and need to ask their boyfriend/girlfriend if they would like it."

I suppose I could also use the
"I'm colourblind" line, or, my favourite...
"I've got a popular web site that has between 2 and 3 billion people viewing it every day and would like to show your product on it." (that makes 3 people sound like a lot now doesn't it!)


Jen, I can't believe that being a journalist you can't take photos in stores. Heck, if I was a journo I'd be taking photos everywhere! I'd even use that last line on people if they asked what I was doing, I'd say something like...
"I'm a journalist for a company that has a readership of between 2 and 3 billion people, I'd like to review your product for inclusion into our next edition."


Snap away.

FJ said...

I admit it.
It was me.
I posted the bumper sticker.


I enjoy reading your blog mate, and have done so for a little while now but was too scared to comment before. LOL

Ryan said...

G'day FJ!


I thought I was the only one that used the internet down here!!!

Thanks for putting a name to an "anon" - I get too many weird Canadians running around in here so I just wanted to make sure.

Hope to hear from you again.

Jennifer said...

You know, Freedom Furniture sounds like a name some rabid American patriot would give his furniture business. Like the fries thing.