Thursday, November 24, 2005

Why So Many Shoes?

There are some things that will forever remain an enigma to guys about women that should just be put in the "Don't Ask" basket and one of these things is:

Women's Shoes.

If blokes ever go into a shoe store they need to actually ASK where the men's shoe section is, because 9 times out of 10 they will look at a shoe thinking that it's a male shoe, but oop... it's not it's a female shoe.

In fact as the man hunts around without assistance he will soon discover that the entire store is covered with female shoes.

After asking the lovely assistant men will find that they have to go to the BACK of the store, down the stairs, out into the dark dingy alley and pick their shoes from the rack out near the rubbish cans.

And even then there will only be two pairs to choose from: work shoes and non-work shoes.

A guy is done in 5 minutes.

Now take women for instance: a woman will have about a thousand pairs of shoes and even though they have this vast quantity they will still look around for that elusive pair.

To a bloke, if something is to be shopped for it needs to fill a large gap in his life, an example of this would be food. Now a bloke can live off the absolute last morsel of food in the pantry before he would even consider going to the store to stock up, and similarly, if he were to shop for shoes he would only go any buy another pair if the older pair had completely died after being resuscitated 10 times with sticky tape and super-glue.

Logical, isn't it?

Of course.

But does this apply to womankind?


And to even make mention of the words "Haven't you already got a couple of pairs of shoes?" while she is "browsing" through her favourite shoe store is enough to see a re-enactment of Pompeii and Mt. Vesuvius - if this happens fellas: play dead, and fast, otherwise you could be getting a swift shoe imprint between your legs.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

But what about complimenting women on their shoes?

I hear you.

Logically it's the thing to do.

To a bloke, if a woman comments on how nice she likes his shoes he will likely wear those shoes forever. Unfortunately this doesn't work with women. A compliment is only as good as the depth, length, height, breadth, eye angle, face distortion frequency, body posture, and smile scale weight. You're going to have to be pretty good if you want to nail down a compliment with a woman and her shoes.

And even if you were to nail it, she'd probably think that you think that she thinks she has great taste in fashion and therefore to keep that thought that she thinks you have she will keep buying shoes to maintain the status quo.

(If that confused you, read it again... slowly... I had to write it ten times myself!)

But what about the inverse: do I tell a woman she has a lousy taste in shoes?

This is a question blokes will never be able to win.

Think of how a man thinks if a woman says she does not like his shoes (as an example): a guy will either not give a damn, or, he will not wear them again. I personally wouldn't give a damn - is a woman dating you, or your shoes?

But contrast this to how a woman might think about the issue:

If you tell her that she doesn't have good shoes on she will automatically go back in time and COUNT the number of times she wore those very same shoes with YOU and the number of times you DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

In other words: your nuts are coming off.

Even if you say something to the effect of: your shoes don't match your dress, she will again go back in time search through every outing she had with this dress and specifically recall all instances of the shoes she wore with this dress. If she can remember just ONE occassion with you and the same style of dress with shoes: your reproductive organs are going to be made void.

So, my advice to all the blokes out there... whenever you see your woman:




Anonymous said...

wow I actually agreed with you on something!! Women usually do have a lot of shoes (I'm no exception). I can't explain it, but I LOVE my shoes. Mostly they're just running shoes though and other casual shoes...but I love them and would never give them up. As for the guys shoe section being small, I have to disagree (unless it's just the fashion-conscious city that I live in). The guy's shoe sections are pretty much the size of women's, AND the shoes there tend to be very feminine (I guess this goes back to the metrosexual thing we discussed the other day). My friend has very big feet and it's hard for her to find shoes in a regular shoe store. So she buys men's shoes! It saves time, money, and no one can tell because they look just like women's shoes.

Jennifer said...

I don't know, I'm a woman (last time I checked) and I don't have a particular fascination with shoes. Or clothes.

I could, however, go furniture shopping every day of the week and be totally happy. Pottery Barn, Bed Bath and Beyond, Pier One, Ethan Allen ... that's where I can totally tear it up.

Ryan said...

Kate: running shoes??? You run??? Yeah suuure. Stop playing with my fantasy.

Jennifer: I'm a bit of furniture junky too, did you read my "Female Furniture Fit Test" post? Sometimes it's difficult finding the right piece of furniture, and a blokes got to do what a blokes got to do to make sure he makes the right purchasing choice!


Anonymous said...

Yes I run! I run from guys with antiquated ideas about women!!!!!

Ryan said...

I thought I was the only one with antiquated ideas about women?

And I haven't seen any woman run away from me.

I think you're lying.



Anonymous said...

Well the scary thing about guys with antiquated ideas is that they look completely normal. You can't tell until they open their mouths! So maybe that's why no one has run from you....they don't give you enough time to talk. Very smart!

Ryan said...

Kate, I'm a bloke.

When is a bloke ever given the chance to get a word in?

(And I still don't think you run.)


Anonymous said...

You do a pretty good job of trying to get a word in!
I'm shocked that you don't believe me. Actually I'm not. You seem to believe the worst of all women. Besides it's not like I can prove it to you. For all you know I'm a guy anyway.

Ryan said...


The truth finally comes out: Kate is a bloke who doesn't run.

Woman (sorry... Man), I only tell the truth.

If this is what you define as the "worst in women" then so be it. But, being the impartial bloke that I am to me it's neither good nor bad - just the truth.

Heck, people agree with me all the time (it's hard work being right all the time). In fact one particular person at the top of this very comment list opened with the following...
"wow I actually agreed with you on something!"

Hmm... I wonder who said that?

Maybe that person was in a moment of weakness and wasn't thinking clearly, or maybe they had just come back from a hard run.



Anonymous said...

All I agreed with was that women tend to have a lot of shoes. It's true, they do. Or at least I do. A lot of running shoes, to help me NOT run. In fact I just line them up at look at them and think about how I'm not running.

I don't agree with the hair thing. You must have run into a lot of superficial ladies in your lifetime!


Ryan said...


People have weird hobbies. I used to collect stamps when I was young and even basketball cards, some people have been known to collect barf bags from different flight companies, I guess your hobby is collecting running shoes!

I really don't know what is weirder: having more than one pair of running shoes, or, collecting them??

To a logical brain, such as mine, you only need one pair of running shoes - I know I do.

And as for the hair thing, maybe you can't relate - considering you're male and all.



Anonymous said...


I'll have you know I'm very logical. I have different shoes for different things. For running, for hiking, and for fashion. And at least I use them all. Did your friends use the barf bags?

Speaking of logical, maybe you can answer a question about guys that I've often wondered about. Why do they honk and yell at women out of their car windows? To me that isn't very logical. What do they hope to achieve??


Ryan said...

Check my latest post Kate here.