Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The Other Klunk Story

Alright, I was going to save this for later, but knowing me I'll probably forget, so in order to keep this week's theme of klunks, bumps, bleeding heads and bandages I'll recount the worst head injury I've had so far in life...

It was a dark a stormy night.

Two teenagers had been battling it out all day on a lonely street basketball ring on who was the better player. Only a solitary street light and frequent flashes of lightning kept the court illuminated.

No one backed down.

No one accepted defeat.

As the darkness thickened it became more and more of an impossible task of finding the location of the basketball hoop. Eventually both players agreed to a next score wins arrangement... it was getting late.

The faster player of the two laughed mockingly at the new winning rule and with the ball in his hands speedily ran past the taller (more handsome, more athletic, more BETTER) player.

The tactic had paid off for him... the winning score was only feet away.

The taller's players eyes bulged like saucers at the sudden movement, muscles stretched as they tried to catch the more nimble boy who was now only a step away from victory.

The ball was soon tossed from the nimble player's hand...

It sailed victoriously through the air...

It's inevitable destination the hoop... the winning score... the triumphant one.

BUT... the taller player didn't lie down. In a desperate bid to alter the ball's winning flight path he shot out his hand towards the ball... his fingers went from a distance of feet to inches... inches to centimeters... centimeters to millimeters... millimeters to nanometers (?!)...


The ball's flight path was rocked, its direction altered, it skidded away from the hoop and prevented the winning score. BUT... the flight path of the taller player's head began beeping emergency signals it was heading straight towards one of the metal beams supporting the very basketball hoop he was trying to protect...


Lightning cracked... and eventually somebody's head.


The taller player still maintained to land on his feet. The nimbler player not aware of what all the noise was about deperately flung himself at the missed shot and hurriedly put the ball back through the hoop.

"WOOOHOOO!" he screamed gleefully jumping in the air, "I WIN!!!"

There was no response from the taller player.

Noticing the taller player's lack of appreciation the smaller one came over and asked what was wrong.

"Nothin. I'm fine, just a bump on my head."

"Let me see," he asked.

What felt like sweat pouring down the side of the taller man's face was quickly wiped by his navy blue t-shirt. He moved his head to the street light's mellow light and allowed the smaller player to see if it was anything bad.

"%$#@!" he remarked.

"What?" asked the taller player concerned at his friend's sudden change of demeanour.

"You've actually got a brain!"

They both laughed.

"And I won," the smaller player added.

"Well, I'm going to head off now - I've got a throbbing headache," said the taller player as he picked up his ball and headed off the court.

The smaller player waved goodbye and both headed off in their separate directions home.

On the way home the taller player couldn't believe the amount of sweat pouring from his head. He continually wiped and wiped with his t-shirt, but the "sweat" just wouldn't go away.

Maybe I did cut myself, thought the tall handsome man.

As he arrived home his mother was the first to meet him... and she nearly had a heart-attack...


She covered her mouth, shocked at the sight that stood before her... was it even her son???

The boy, now in the light, looked at himself: blood seemed to be everywhere!

"WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE???" screamed his mother.

"I just hit my head... it's no big deal - I'll go and have a shower and clean up," replied the boy, the stupid boy, the boy with NO brains.

In the shower water was applied to the wound and boy did he know he was alive. After cleaning his body and surveying the wound from the bathroom mirror he didn't understand what all the fuss was about - it was just a cut at the top of head the size and shape of an average eyebrow... big deal?

Not long after the shower though the world began to wobble a little more on its axis than it normally did. The boy's father came over and asked the reason for why his wife was in super-stress mode.

"It's nothing," the boy said.

"Like hell it isn't," replied the father, "let me take a look."

The boy didn't want to make a big fuss about such a small cut, but showing one other person probably wouldn't matter. So, he showed his father the cut hoping that he would be able to prove that it was just a scratch.

"Okay..." his father started as he probed around the open wound, "...you're going to need to get stitches."

"Oh come on," protested the silly boy, "it's just a small cut - I'm fine, I'm fine, really."

"No - you're not."

And that was the end of the argument.

The boy had no further say. After going through a few flanels with his blood his father dragged him to the local doctor.

As the doctor surveyed the scene he didn't beat around the bush:
"You're going to need stitches."

By now the boy had reserved himself to the fact that he was going to have them so now it was just a matter of how many...

"Maybe four or five," answered the doc.

"Kewl," remarked the boy knowing that he could brag to all his friends at school that he had stitches, "can I get more?"

Silly boy - never ask for more stitches.

I wonder who that silly boy was?

*Tsk* *Tsk*



Anonymous said...

and you say that women aren't that bright??
are YOU blond by any chance?

Ryan said...

I AM blonde actually...

(But don't let that secret get out!)

The good thing is that my blondishness (?!) is fading... I'm turning to the dark side!



Ryan said...

I also believe that after this head-banging episode I started the red-streaks-in-blonde-hair craze.

I'm a trend setter.


Anonymous said...

you sound like one.
Perhaps all the bumps to the head have contributed to your opinions on women???? just a thought....

Ryan said...

Yep, all that bumping has finally allowed me to see the truth about women.

I was blind, but now I see.

I've now got to try and save the male population by bringing my message out into the world, kind of like a modern-day Matrix: men need to see the real world.


PS - and I preferred it when you called yourself Kate - it gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, you were Kate Beckinsale. And that all my fantasies were coming true.

Anonymous said...

very funny!

Those poor men out there, not to mention the women! who are being misguided by your personal "Matrix"

I didn't just call myself Kate, it really is my name! Sorry that I'm not Kate Beckinsale though...did I just hear your heart breaking?? As for your fantasies, who knows :P


Ryan said...

I'm on a mission to reclaim that which was once lost in men: their Y-chromosome!

There's just too many men acting like women these days. A real bloke is nearing extinction - maybe we should capture the remaining few and put them in zoos!

No, wait a minute, what am I saying - women should be in the zoos! They're the ones responsible for this... and it goes back since the dawn of time with Eve!


And as for my fantasies, well, maybe you can just pretend. LOL


Anonymous said...

Sure blame it on poor Eve. If you really want to blame it on her, I could turn it around and say it was the Adam's rib thing coming in. After all, she presumably carried some of Adam's qualities within her....
As for men acting like women, I'd have to agree with you (never thought that would happen)...the number of men who have themselves waxed has become really scary...

Ryan said...


You gotta be kiddin me?

Do they get their bikini lines done? If they do, I hope they have something else ripped off that's nearby because they don't deserve it!!!

Aiya... I can't imagine anything on my body being waxed off - I'll leave that to the ladies.

And I want to know...

Do Canadians wax? I mean, it's so friggin cold up there that you'd think they would need as much help as they can get with keeping themselves insulated, so why wax - it's not like they go to the beach??

And, if women wax should guys keep their face shaven?


Anonymous said...

From personal experience, Canadians wax.....just three months of the year though! Or if they're going somewhere warm. Otherwise there's no point. Why go through the pain?

Yes, I personally know one guy who shaves uncomfortably close to the "bikini line" though I can't imagine any girl finding that sexy.

In my opinion guys can usually get away with stubble...it usually looks nice! However, no guy with a mustache is worth looking at twice.


Ryan said...

The only complaint I've heard with a bit of stubble is when women want to pash.

But in my experience most women will battle through the prickly pain.



Anonymous said...

yeah generally we don't mind. Although I'm think guys generally aren't so crazy about women's leg stubble?

Ryan said...

Yep, women need to keep their legs long (just like their hair), smooth and if possible with a bit of tone. That's why I'm a big believer in jogging.

We don't ask for much.


Anonymous said...

wow how come you're still single??

Ryan said...

Woman - I've got standards.

After being treated as a sex object for so long I've come to discover that women really only want me for my hot body, good looks, charm and... hairy bikini lines.

I've had no choice but to raise the bar.

I'll admit it was a tough choice, but... it had to be made.


PS - am I still talking to Kate here? Has my Kate Beckinsale fantasy gone? Am I talking to Livinia Nixon now??

Anonymous said...

Oh I see, so according to you your perfection can only be truly appreciated by a woman who is equally perfect? I guess that makes sense! I just hope for your sake the bar hasn't been raised so high that you'll never find what you're looking for.
But I think you mentioned that due to your unbelievable looks you only go out in disguise...how will any woman know that she's found the perfect creature she's been searching for???

Sorry it's still me, better luck next time :P

Ryan said...

Kate, I'm going to have to love ya and leave ya.

I've got people to do and work to see (or something like that)... and it's waaay past your bed time: don't blonde Canadian chics need all the beauty sleep they can get??

Anyway, if I can manage to get back without being stalked, flocked or mobbed by all the available single women here in Perth I might return to this discussion.

If you don't hear from me within a couple of days send out a search party to all penthouses in the Perth metro area.