Tuesday, October 11, 2005

New Ride: Grandpa's Revenge

If I ever have trouble with my heart instead of calling the ambulance ring my grandfather and put me in the passenger seat with him behind the wheel. Where possible request my grandfather travel down the freeway.

As you can no doubt imagine I flirted with the angel of death today... heck I think he was in the back with his arms up screaming "Yeeehhaaaaarrr"!

What happened?

Put simply: I had to take a ride into the city with good ol' gramps behind the wheel. I offered to drive but the stubborn ol' man was adamant at showing me a thing or two about driving.

Throughout the trip my heart was in my throat searching for the eject button, my hands had gripped the seat so hard that they had ripped through the padding and both feet pressed so hard into the floor that there are now two permanent holes on the passenger side (I felt like the Flinstones)!

Here's how my grandfather thinks and drives when on the road:
  • When changing lanes go New York style - move, then indicate... maybe don't even indicate! If anyone is in the way they'll get the idea when they see your big-ass van moving in their direction;

  • First and third gears in a manual (stick shift) car are unnecessary... even the park brake is unnecessary!

  • Foraging in the back of the van whilst driving for some inconsequential thing is far more important than driving safely and concentrating on the road - where possible use BOTH hands whilst foraging;

  • Anything that looks out of the ordinary should be tooted... this includes pedestrians on zebra crossings, blondes, and small cars;

  • Outline in detail EVERY conceivable mistake the person in front of you is making... perhaps toot these problems in morse code to them to help them understand their mistakes;

  • When seeing a red light on the horizon slow down so that the car need not halt... when light has changed green FLOOR IT;

  • On the off chance that you do have to wait at a red light get as close as possible to the car in front - maybe even give them a little bump and a wink - and when the light has changed roll back as far as possible - maybe giving the car behind a bump and abusing the hell out of them for why they're so close - before moving forward;

  • Two words: brake suddenly;

  • Prolong the trip by giving a guided tour on what it was like in the "good ol' days" - a good guide need not look at where he is going rather more so at the landmark being discussed... even if this landmark is directly behind.

On the ride back home I sat in the back sucking my thumb rocking back and forth in the foetal position.

In fact I'm thinking of setting up a scarey ride at Disneyworld called "Grandpa's Revenge"... it won't be for the faint hearted!


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