Sunday, September 11, 2005

The Three Letters That Men Fear Most

I can't remember the last time I laughted so hard from reading a newspaper. In this day and age we have a whole heap of negative stuff happening throughout the world that it's difficult to read the paper without having a heavy heart, and maybe that's why newspapers end with the sports section... the team you root for may have won something!

Anyway, in this weekend's paper there was an interesting article written by Michele Phillips, titled "The Scary Thing About Women". Now I personally have never read anything written by this journalist, but as the headline had me hooked I just *had* to read on.

And here's how Michele opened:

I've heard it said that a certain female condition is called PMS because the term mad cow disease was already taken.

It took me about 5 minutes before I could begin reading the second sentence from laughing so hard, and when I did I had to wipe the tears from my eyes.

Unfortunately though, the remainder of the article ended up being a jibe at dumb blokes! *heavy sigh*

So, I thought I'd carry on where Michele left off and continue on the PMS theme by giving my brief synopsis on the topic...

First, I would like to say that my experience has been EXTREMELY LIMITED. I know of blokes that have been with one woman throughout their life and could far better detail cases of this phenomenon than I, BUT this ain't going to stop me!

Lastly, I have not dated any 30-45 year old woman during my life time. And according to what I was taught during human biology class this is the age when PMS goes black-belt. But, again, this ain't going to stop me from writing about it.

So here goes...

For those guys who skipped human biology class and are completely oblivious to PMS allow me to provide you with a brief introduction: PMS is a condition that occurs approximately once a month and brings about a diverse range of varieties in your woman.

That's the mild definition.

The definition as seen from the eyes of most blokes is: PMS is a condition that occurs once every month that turns your angel into a super bitch.

There's no way to soften the REAL definition.

This condition will only see this happen, hopefully, once every 6 months, but if something bad were to happen around the monthly cycle then there's a 99% chance that all hell will break loose.

And even though us blokes KNOW that women use PMS as an excuse to chuck a sissy fit we dear never challenge it... we value our sexual organs too much... just in case the woman IS actually going through it.

I think the strangest thing that shocks most men with PMS is the sudden change in his woman. With the experiences I've had I have to admit that I never saw it coming! One day we'd be talking about a particular topic and then out of nowhere it just explodes...

ME: "Do you want the entree size again?"
HER: "Are you saying I'm fat??"
"You just said I'm fat. You don't love me."
"Babe, what's wrong?"
"You just said that I'm fat and that you didn't love me anymore. Are you breaking up with me?"
"What are you talking about??"
*sobbing* "Do you still love me?"
"Of course I do, I never said I didn't!?"
"Do you think I'm strange??"
"Women are strange in general." (smiling)
"YOU THINK I'M WEIRD!" (getting angry now)
"It was a joke!"
"Shhhh... I'm just here."
"I what???"

Well, what more can a man do?? I don't think there's a definitive guide given to men during their time of need with PMS (maybe there's a PMS helpline for blokes somewhere around the world... from memory I think it's the same as the ambulance emergency number!), but in case you aren't near a phone here are some of the lessons I learnt:
  • If at all possible... run, don't walk (otherwise she'll catch up);

  • Don't argue with it, don't rationalise with it, don't debate with it;

  • If any railing accusations are brought against thee just say, "Yes, dear";

  • Know your woman's cycles and try to be on your best behaviour during those few days - especially at the end of the cycle;

  • If possible try not to talk;

  • Don't wear red;

  • If she wants a hug, give her a hug, if she wants to rip your nuts off, she probably will and depending upon the severity of the PMS condition the instrument she will use could range anywhere from a blunt knife to a plastic spoon, therefore... RUN!;

  • Whatever you do DON'T LAUGH, DON'T HUMOUR HER, DON'T BE A CLOWN (otherwise you will get a permanent big red nose)... in fact show no emotion whatsoever;

  • Avoid public places. Order takeaways. Go to secluded spots. If she happens to erupt casualties should be minimal... YOU;

  • Hide all sharp instruments from the kitchen, in fact, elect to do the cooking yourself;

  • Do NOT wear ear muffs, or ear plugs, this only heightens the experience, and believe me YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEIGHTEN THE EXPERIENCE - ever heard of human combustion?;

  • Learn to nod and nod at different rates - if she notices a pattern you're gone;

  • Don't offer any medication to her - this is pure insult. In fact YOU should be the one taking the medication;

  • Do not try to solve this enigma, do not try to offer a solution, do not think that she can be fixed, she is NOT broken... this is normal, you are NOT alone;

  • If all else fails: play dead.

As you can see PMS is something that affects the whole world... stuff nuclear bombs, tanks, heavy armoured vehicles and the like, just arm a few women on PMS with blunt knives and plastic spoons and you'll take over an entire country in minutes.

Now I'm beginning to understand why they don't place women in front line combat: the battle wouldn't be fair!


1 comment:

Hannah said...

When in doubt, present chocolate.