Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Female-Furniture-Fit Test

I dunno what it is with big corporate bodies these days, but finding good ol' fashioned help is hard to find.

Picture this...

Here I was walking through Freedom Furniture store browsing away at the assortment of lounge suites available (not that I was ever in the hunt to actually buy one... unless I sold my left kidney), and as I sat down on some of the expensive loungeware I figured I needed some help:

"Excuse me, could I get some help here," I asked seated at one of the couches looking at a petite blonde woman behind the counter.
She noticed my call for help and approached with a casual smile.
"Yes sir, how may I help?" she asked.
"I need to do a female-furniture-fit test," I replied matter-of-factly.
"A what??"
"You know, a FFF test," I answered as spit flew from my mouth (I sure wish they'd abbreviated the female-furniture-fit test better!)
"What is a... a... F test?" the lady asked puzzled.
"It's easy," I said with a beaming smile knowing all too well that I *finally* had a female to do my FFF test on, "all you need do is sit down next to me."

She shook her head, rolled her eyes and no doubt thought that this was the lamest pick up line she had ever heard! As I patted the seat next me she came over and sat down.

"Good, now just relax," I said teaching her the basics of the FFF test, "all you need to do is just sit there and tell me whether you feel comfortable or not."

So there I was sitting at one end of a 3 seater couch while she sat in the middle. I done some basic testing such as:
  • extending my arm to see how far I could get to her without leaving the corner;

  • calculating how far my legs extended over the couch part from the corner;

  • calculating how comfortable it was for me lying down, and how comfortable it was for her (etc)

All these important real-life scenario tests needed to be conducted so that I could arrive safely at an informed and proper purchase decision... as couches aren't cheap these days!

At each change I asked "How do you feel?" getting her response at each turn.

And this went on for quite some time.

As the day wore on she loosened up more and told me what she *really* felt about certain couches:
"I'm sitting on the crack of this couch and it's making me feel uncomfortable"
"The cushioning of this couch is too hard and makes me feel uncomfortable"
"The way you place your arm around me makes me feel uncomfortable!"

But I thought we were doing quite well... kind of like Adam & Eve in the garden of Eden really: just as Adam and Eve tested all the good food Eden had to offer, here we were testing out everything Freedom Furniture had to offer.

As we reached the end of the furniture section I turned around and looked at her:
"I don't think I'm really in the hunt for a lounge suite, but..." I paused looking into the next section, "I may need some help finding a good king-sized bed!"

She stood up from the last lounge suite clicked her back back into place and said, "Unfortunately bedding isn't my department, I'll have to go and get Janice."

Well, let's just say that after seeing Janice I had a sudden change of heart... and the time... I had totally forgot about a prior engagement. What a shame.

Good help is so hard to find these days.



Kristina said...


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