Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Are You Thinking What I'm Thinking?

As my beloved subscribers know all previous dates with women have been the typical blonde-hair blue-eyed type. On Sunday, I discovered the reason why.

Here's what happened...

After church service I began doing my usual routine helping with the storing away of equipment and the like. A new couple had entered our church service and began talking to an elderly couple that they knew from within our church.

After talking amongst themselves for a short while the elderly lady from our church called my name and motioned me to come hither.

ME: Yes.
ALLISON: Do you know who this is? (pointing to the lady who had come with her partner for the first time to our church)
ME: Nope.
STRANGER: I'm Sarah, Rebecca's elder sister.

Then it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

See, Rebecca was THE VERY first girl I had a crush on. In fact, we had a crush on each other during our early high school days, but unfortunately it didn't last very long as she left our school to attend a larger one that would cater more towards her educational needs (our school was just too small).

On the very last day of school we sat on the bus together and done the usual talking and making fun of each other (which was strange really because I was so shy with girls I don't know why I was so comfortable around her??), anyway, as the bus ride ended she held my arm and looked me in the eyes and asked if we could go out together.

My heart was in my throat.

I didn't know what love was. Heck, does anyone know what love is at the ripe old age of 13??

I turned bright red at that instant and I sheepishly turned away... a girl had asked me out... WOW!... I'd never been asked out before, never even had a girlfriend... things were starting to get all blurry... I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what to do!!

I turned around and blurted out my answer...

"No."

Shy guys aren't notorious for saying no to too many people, and I was shocked more at the response I had given than her, but after seeing her reaction I wanted to take it back. I'd made another wrong move in life:

"I can't believe I said no," I thought.

Rebecca nodded, looked down at her school bag picked it up said goodbye to everyone on the bus, as well as me and alighted. I never heard from her, or saw her since that day.

But then God went in and threw a curve ball last Sunday.

After discussing the good ol' days of high school with Sarah we inevitably got across to Rebecca. I was curious as to what had become of her as she hadn't attended our 10-year school reunion (which involved everyone who was in our class from year 1 to year 12 - we needed the numbers!).

From what Sarah briefly told me Rebecca was living on the opposite side of the country and was enjoying life in Melbourne working as an events organiser.

And... she was still single.

Eeek!

My heart started to head towards my throat again and I was saved by an elder to go and count today's offerings.

By the time I had finished Sarah and her partner had left.

Great!

I wanted to probe more, but that was all I was given... I hope they return next week.

So there you have it people: the very reason why I dated blonde-hair, blue-eyed women was because of HER!

She must have entered some subliminal hypnotic message into my brain for saying no and ever since I've been trying to recompense with other blonde-hair and blue-eyed women!?

Great!

And get this... there was one female friend I had which nearly blossomed into something further who wasn't blonde-haired and blue-eyed, but due to her father being diagnosed with cancer around the time we were going to date I never saw her again (I think her father only had months to live)... and her name...

Rebecca.

I think I'm cursed.


Ryan

Friday, August 26, 2005

Everybody Should Have A Little Sister

Last weekend my sister invited me out to dinner at a Japanese restaurant.

I love Japanese.

I especially love a good miso soup. I'd drink that stuff all night long.

And I love the effect wisabe has on unsuspecting victims - if you haven't had it before be ready for a small sudden explosion of pain that shoots through your mouth and nose followed by a relaxing calm. That's right. No sooner have you hit the floor clutching your throat has the pain subsided.

It's the weirdest feeling.

Everyone should try it - it sure does clear the sinuses!

Anyhow, initially I was concerned about how long the night would last as my sister and I have never really sat down and ate together before... in fact, I don't we've ever have!?

It's not like we *never* talk it's just we're not renowned for long discussions.

I think it may have been due to a previous relationship I had with a good friend of hers many moons ago. At the time they were close, but when the relationship between her friend and I soured my suster and her have never spoken since.

I vowed never to date any of my sister's friends again, and I never knew whether the break up of the relationship pissed my sister off. I kind of believed it did.

I wouldn't like it if my sister dated any of my friends and then broke up with them... the friendship would feel so awkward.

But, anyhow, back to the dinner with my sister...

The last time my sister and I even closely had a dinner together was with two other chics.

And I was fortunate enough to be the *only* man of the evening amongst them!

That's right: me and three chics - one was my sister, another was her good friend (the woman I was dating at the time) and the third was a German chic who was visiting (an old pen pal of my date's).

(BTW: What is it with German chics and their killer tans?? How can anyone living near the Black Forest possibly get a killer tan?? There's no beach. There's no way you're going to strip down to your bikini in minus 10 degree heat (if you can even call it heat!) and catch a bit of sun. And there's no tanning salon... I don't get it??)

Anyway, the dinner with the three ladies made me feel like a king... kinda like King Solomon.

Speaking of the King Solomon I don't think he was very wise, I mean he had 700 wives! Just put this into perspective for a minute folks, that means...
  • He would have had 700 mother-in-laws

  • Bought 1400 presents for both of these women PER YEAR

  • Found FOUR PERFECT birthday presents DAILY

  • Taken TWO wives out for dinner per DAY

  • Celebrated TWO anniversaries per DAY

  • Been "busy" nearly THREE times per day... he had an additional 300 concubines at his disposal

  • Needed several thousand tanks of hot water (not to mention enough money for the water and electricity bills); and

  • A bed the size of Texas!


Not only that but can you imagine 700 women nagging him to leave the toilet seat up, replace the blown light globe, mow the lawn, empty the trash, grease the pantry hinge door, reticulate the backyard, renovate the bathroom, find "quality" time... and on and on and on and on, day after day??

Kind Solomon must have been a glutton for punishment!

I think most guys would admit that ONE WIFE IS ENOUGH.

God help us if all men were required by law to have 700!!!

But where was I?

Ah yes, the dinner last Saturday...

It went much further into the night than expected and both of us opened up. We spoke about the future, whether we'd have kids (she doesn't), men, women, our folks, our previous relationships including the one I had with one of her good friends - heck we just talked about everything!

After telling her about what had happened and how I felt my sister sided with me! But the reason for the uneasy silence between us was due to the fact that I had never approached her about it, or asked how she felt, or explained what had happened to her. It was as if I didn't care about her and the friendship they once had.

Heck I thought they were still going to be friends and that the gory details of the relationship were going to be disclosed by her friend... but that was never the case!

I assumed too much.

And when you assume to much with women you're going to get your ass whooped.

I quickly asked for more wisabe - if I was going to get my ass whooped I wanted to make sure that I had a legitimate reason for why there were tears welling up in my eyes.

(Thankfully it never got to that stage.)

By the time the night was over I felt complete. Not because I had gorged myself with miso soup, or over done it on the contents of my tori karaage bento set, it was knowing that my own little sister still loved me.

The very woman that used to help dress me because of my lack of fashion sense (hey I'm colourblind) and the very woman that makes a killer apple pie... still thought I was the best eldest brother she ever had.

Ok... I'll admit I *nearly* let one rip... a tear that is!

...Damn that wisabe was strong.


Ryan

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Proof: A Human Reads My Blog

Yesterday I had the fright of my life.

Picture this: Here I was minding my own business going about my routine collecting the daily mail and amongst the usual fan mail and love letters from Livinia Nixon (I wish she wouldn't write so often... how's a man supposed to live!)... I receive one strange looking picturesque postcard, seen here:



Believe it or not but my sinister initial reaction was:
"This is probably somebody else's... but I'll read what they wrote anyway!"

Evil aren't I?

But when I turned it the postcard over there it was...

MY NAME AND POSTAL ADDRESS!

Now I was freaked out.

Who the hell do I know from Arizona? Or more importantly who in the hell knows me that's in Arizona??

Do I have some long lost cousin that lives in the U.S. of A.? Are they wealthy?

Was I *really* adopted?? Are they wealthy??

Or maybe when I was born my folks had me married to some chic where our wedding saw our umbilical cords entwined together, but through circumstances unknown at the time and the eroding of our umbilical cords we were severed and separated since birth??? Maybe she's wealthy too??

My mind was racing...

JUST READ THE BLOODY THING!!! My conscious slapped.

Ok.

And what would you know...

It was one of my beloved subscribers!

Wow.

Here I was thinking that I was rubbing shoulders with geeks, freaks, phonies and Latvian women. Yet amongst it all I have a dear subscriber who is actually... dare I say it...

HUMAN!

No!

Yes! Really!

Believe me dear friends... there are *actually* humans on this thing called the internet! Reach out - you never know you might catch one!

So, when I arrived home I shot a quick email off thanking this person and I will endeavour to reciprocate by sending a postcard from my beloved town of Freo (that's local hip talk for Fremantle) to them.

How did this person get my snail mail address?

By subscribing.

See, as part of some new SPAM laws that have been enacted I need to disclose my postal address to show my loyal subscribers that I really am a human, I really do have a postal address, my first name really is "Ryan", and I really do hate spam just as much as they do and will do everything in my power to prevent spam hitting their inbox... and if they ever have a problem with their subscription they can front me up at my PO box!

So, if you want to join the ranks of people I admire in this world (yes the list is quite small... but growing) send me a postcard of your beloved home town.

If you're nice, say good things, make me feel warm and fuzzy inside I *might* feel inclined to reciprocate - but I'm no easy beat.

I can read fakes a mile away.

In fact there was this one time in the city, at a fashion parade, where I spotted this gorgeous chic dressed in a long beautiful red dress that had caught everyone's eye with her stunning looks and perfect body that I *knew* something wasn't right.

I had never met or seen this lady before, yet deep down my gut was telling me something. Something just wasn't right - I could tell.

Maybe it's my innate sixth sense... or is that seventh? Heck, I can't even remember what my first sense is?? (Isn't it women??)

Well, as much as it pains me to tell you and to bring this information into a large public forum...

The lady had silicon breasts.

Yep.

And they say men can't tell the difference!

*Tsk*

Well... today *I* could and it pained me to see men treat her as the femme fatale of the evening not knowing the *real* truth behind this woman. I tried my best to contain any sudden outburst as I didn't want to spoil the limelight from her - she was doing a good job with that red dress, showing a bit of cleavage, having a lovely set of clavicles (I hope that's what they're called!!).

But it pained me inside.

Every passing moment that she glanced at me I could feel my soul tearing away at my very inward parts. Though only seconds passed it seemed but an eternity.

Eventually the words erupted from my mouth before I even had a chance of catching them and my body followed through pointing directly at her.

"SHE'S GOT SILICON BREASTS!" I splattered.

Everyone turned and looked at me in shock horror.

They followed the very accusing finger that targetted the innocent lady.

I slowly looked away, unable to bear the look of hurt welling up in her eyes.

But then the weirdest thing happened...

The crowd burst out laughing?!

"This is no joke," I wailed, "she's got silicon breasts."

I pointed again making sure that people were fully engaged at the person I was accusing. It was going to make headlines.

I pictured all the popular women's magazines scoop headlines of tomorrow: "FAKE!" "EXPOSED!" "RYAN RYAN RYAN!" "ACCUSED!" all emblazoned on their covers with the very woman standing at the end of my pointed finger in shock.

But then they laughed even harder!?

These people are mad, I thought.

I looked back at the woman I had publicly humiliated and noticed that even she hadn't cared... there were no tears... in fact, come to think of it I don't think she even blinked!

But... the secret was out - I was content with my lot in life and moved on.

And damn those female mannequins - they shouldn't make them so realistic.

Told you I could spot a fake!

Right, time to put in some effort of writing really neatly to my beloved subscriber otherwise they'll find it near impossible to read... unless they have a PhD in Egyptian hieroglyphics and ancient art!


Ryan

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

A Commemoration To Bruce

Last Friday night saw my attendance at my good mate Bruce's 10 year commemoration since his accident (that put him in a wheelchair).

I have never been to a commemoration of a disabled person... heck... I've never been to a commemoration full stop!

What is a commemoration? Besides a big fancy word with more M's in it than M&M chocoloates?!

For the first time in my life I had no clue what to wear! In fact, I almost felt like a woman when they take hours to find the right dress!

(Okay, maybe that's going too far - guys will NEVER understand that).

But what was I to wear? Should I wear black? Maybe something blue? Something borrowed? Perhaps something new?

"Stuff it!" I thought, "I'm wearing nothin."

That'd go down well.

I can picture the scene now...

*Formal dining arrangement with splendid chandeliers and finely dressed waiters and waitresses, then a speech from the host of the evening...*
Bruce: ... And another person I would like to give a special thank you to is... Ryan.
*Audience claps*
Bruce: Ryan, come up here.
*Bruce motions towards the podium where he is seated*
Me (standing up walking up to the podium, waving to the crowd): Hi.
**Everyone in shock at the discovery that I've worn nothing on**
Bruce: Ah, Ryan... has... been.. a good friend to me... over the... umm...
Me (hands on hips... well I've got nowhere else to put them!... I ain't got pockets!)
Bruce: Umm... yes... over the... we've been friends for a long time now... very long...
Me (smiling and nodding, facing Bruce): Tell them about how we met.
Bruce: Umm... yes... good point.
Me (waving into the crowd)
Bruce: Ryan and I met at church. I know that it's kind of hard to grasp... ummm... I mean... difficult to understand... but, yes thanks Ryan for being... ummm... for being... a friend that gave a helping hand when needed... I mean... gave me a good thrust when I needed it... umm... aah... security?

Now that would be an unforgettable commemoration now wouldn't it!!

Don't know whether I'd be invited to his 20th... or to any other engagement after that though!!

Dare to be different right?

Ok maybe not.

After dressing casually I made my way to the commemoration. I was still uneasy on what to say, how to introduce myself, what to do or even how to order mains.

I mean do you say to someone who has been in a wheelchair for the last 10 years, "Happy Commemoration" as you do with anniversaries and birthdays... or is it "Merry Commemoration"?? Do we hold hands and sing Kumbaya? Do we get up and dance? Do we all say a little something about our mate??

I was going to have to wing it.

Heck, I've been winging it all my life... in fact I've got wings on my back now because of all the winging I've done throughout life (people call them hairs, but I call them wings)... so wing it I did.

Unfortunately the night started awkwardly - obviously I wasn't the only commemorative virgin in the crowd, but the difficulty was in getting a conversation started.

Most people started with the obvious question of: So how did you meet Bruce?

Me: At church. And you?

Responses I received included:

"I'm his carer."

Or...

"I was on the football ground when the accident happened."

Or...

"I dated him for a short period."

Or...

"I'm just here for the beer maaan."

Or...

"I'm just the waitress here sir, what would you like to drink?"

See! Nothing to really create an enjoyable conversation over with dinner and coffee now is it?

BUT, I will give credit to the food... it was another major reason why people had difficulty talking... we were all too busy stuffing our faces with warm bread, pasta, garlic bread, chips, pizza, salad, cake, chicken, tapas... it was great!!

By the end of the night Bruce gave a speech about how the very day we were gathered together was the very day 10 years ago his accident occurred. At the end he gave us all a heart felt thank you and individually went to each one of us and made sure his thank you was not not just another "thank you".

When I drove home that night I thanked God for some of the simplest things in life that I take for granted... like... even being able to drive (although many would question this ability)! Yet, for someone like Bruce driving a car is an impossibility, heck even walking is an impossibility!

When I reflected on the problems I had in life all I had to do was put them in perspective to how my mate Bruce is going and they pale into insignificance. In fact I believe that I'm more disabled than Bruce! Sure, I might not be physically disabiled as Bruce is, but when it comes to to mind and spirit I'm a distant second.

My heart goes out to all those in wheelchairs.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I Hate Cats

I'm going to say right off the bat that out of the dog/cat/bird/fish pet spectrum I am a dog person.

I hate cats.

In fact if my date has a cat she has a simple choice to make: me or the puss.

These two objects are mutually exclusive. They CANNOT comingle. They CANNOT peaceably live together. It's IMPOSSIBLE - one divided by zero sort of stuff.

Kapiche?

Ok good.

However... every dog has his day and I had mine. So, just in case you're having a lousy day maybe this short story will help brighten your day... just DON'T jump to any rash conclusions!

Ok, give me a few seconds here while I settle down.

Many moons ago (probably a year ago now because I can remember it was so friggin cold) I was asked by a female friend if I could house sit her place.

Being the gentleman that I am I had no problem with it.

On the day of her departure she gave me some basic instructions on things to do as well as where my sleeping quarters were (her bed!) and what to do with her dog... and cat.

Cat?

Yes, cat.

I couldn't tell her there was going to be a problem with the cat as it was too late. She had to rush, she wouldn't have been able to get another housesitter within the 10 seconds she had between the door and her car.

Damn.

"If there's any hassles let us know," she said as she speedily raced out the door.

Man, I wished she could've taken her cat.

This had to be a test from God, I thought.

Maybe if I just dump its food into its container, never be around or look at it... it will never know I'm here... out of sight out of mind? Yes?

The plan seemed good.

Brandi, the dog of the house, was a joy. She was easy to walk, easy to please and easy to feed.

But the cat.

That damned cat.

I hadn't seen the cat at all during the first day, but as I'd been out for the majority of the day it was to be expected... and planned!

When night settled in I fed Brandi according to my friend's requests, I also covered her with the doggie blanket as well as provided her with fresh water.

When it came time to feed the cat I noticed that its food and water hadn't been touched all day... so I left it.

No sooner had I packed everything away I heard the tinkle of a bell echoing outside. The tinkle grew louder and louder until I was met face to face with the beast.

It meowed, check me up and down and then proceeded to rub its body against my leg.

"Ok let's get something straight here cat," I said looking down into its green eyes, "you stay out of sight and there will be no sad news for our friend when she comes back, ok?"

Meow.

I didn't know whether that was a yes or a no, but I think it understood. If it didn't I was hoping that maybe it understood the seriousness in my eyes.

Either way I left the kitchen and set up my sleeping quarters.

The cat followed me into the bedroom and began meowing again.

"Cat, you're either a slow learner, or you're eager to lose one of your 9 lives, because if you mess with me I guarantee there will be more than one of your 9 lives lost."

I did the serious eyeballing thing again and it looked away.

It was probably searching for its owner. Things weren't right. The cat probably thought it was being punished - Satan had come to stay as house guest for a few nights.

Whatever.

So, after setting up my sleeping quarters, observing the surroundings (who sleeps with plants in the room??) I shut the door behind me, leaving the cat out in the hallway.

I switched off the lights and crashed. Easy.

Scratch, scratch. Meow. Meow.

Apparently not so.

I had obviously forgotten something.

I tried to muffle the cats complaints by breathing heavily, unfortunately when I started to hyperventilate that idea had to stop.

Scratch, scratch.

Meow. Meow.

"Cat! I swear if I open that door you can kiss one of your 9 lives goodbye," I yelled.

There was silence.

Was it something I said?

Was it the tone of my voice?

I didn't care.

The cat finally heeded to what I had said and now I was reaping the benefits. I closed my eyes and began to drift off to sleep.

A minute or so later there was a rapping at the window.

You've gotta be kiddin' me?

Meow. Meow.

I covered my head with the pillow. For about 30 seconds I didn't hear anything, but then due to lack of oxygen I had to discard *that* idea.

"Let me in, let me in," I could hear it scream. The meows began echoing through my head, through the room, through the house, through the neighbourhood... I couldn't stand it any longer!!

DAMN IT!

DAMN YOU, CAT!

I got out of my comfortable warm position in bed and opened the friggin window.

"WHAT?"

"What is it that you could possibly want?" I demanded.

I was frustrated - there was nothing more I wanted to do than to kick that cat over the moon.

The cat jumped into the room and looked around.

It saw the warm bed and jumped on it.

"Oh no you don't."

I picked it up off the bed and went into the kitchen.

"Is it food? Do you want a late night snack?"

I looked around the kitchen for anything that was a good sedative, if not for the cat then maybe for me!

I couldn't find anything.

Darn it.

"Well I don't know what it is I can give you," I said, turning around.

But the cat was gone.

I checked its bowl and noticed that half the meal had now gone.

Hmm, maybe it just needed some encouragement.

I yawned, switched off the kitchen lights and crashed onto the bed again.

No noise.

All was silent.

Bliss.

I closed my eyes turned onto my right side and began to fade away.

Brrr. Brrrr.

I heard this strange sonar like sound. Was I having a dream? On a submarine??

Plit. Plit. Plit.

Was something dripping? No. It sounded like something licking itself??

Why would a submarine lick itself?

Then it dawned on me.

The friggin cat was on the bed!

I quickly jumped out of the bed, flicked the light on and waited for my eyes to adjust to the new light.

And there it was staring at me.

"Would you just come back to bed, and turn that damned light off," it said through the way it peered at me.

"CAT! There's not a snowflake's chance in hell I'm sleeping with you!"

I grabbed it and threw it outside.

Meow. Meow.

Well I hope God was getting some enjoyment out of this, because I sure wasn't!

I was becoming more and more tired.

(Suffocating, feeding cats and hyperventilating sure takes it toll on the body.)

Meow. Meow.

I didn't know what to do.

Meow. Meow.

"OKAY OKAY!" I yelled.

Truth be told I knew I had no other way of reconciling this. My friend undoubtably slept with this cat and there was no way of getting this cat to sleep anywhere else. I was either going to have to sleep on the floor or... hold it... just edging myself slowly into this train of thought... softly now... sleep with the cat!

NoooOoOooooo.

Meow. Meow.

I heaved a sigh and chose the latter. There was no way I was going to sleep on the floor just because the damn cat wanted the bed.

"What happens tonight doesn't leave this room," I said opening the door.

By now it was about 2am in the morning and I had given up. My sleep was more precious to me than my pride.

"You can sleep wherever you like, but I swear if you touch any part of my body you will lose all sense of feeling from the neck down. And if I accidentaly roll on top of you and you suffocate and die it's your own stupid fault with sleeping something 10 times your size."

It didn't care.

Cats never care.

All night that dumb cat probably slept with a grin on its face... just like that damn Cheshire cat in Alice and Wonderland.

But I was too tired to fight. To tired to care. My ultra-sensitive sleep nodes switched off and I never heard or felt a thing all night.

(The cat could have licked my nipples all night and I probably wouldn't have known the difference!)

Then morning arrived.

By the time I awoke there was no trace of the cat anywhere, but the bed sure stank.

Yuk.

It was the first AND last time I ever let him sleep in the same bed as me.

For the remaining three other nights I put up with his constant meowing and his constant pleas to sleep with me again and was able to doze off.

It felt good being in control.

No longer did this damn cat rule the roost. Sure, I succumbed to pressure the first night, but that was the first and last time. As the days wore on I saw less and less of that stupid cat and I was glad that *I* was laying down the terms and not IT.

When my female friend returned I left a note that read,

"Dear Carlie,

Hope your trip went well.

Haven't seen your cat for awhile... it may have gone searching for you!

Don't ask."


So there you have it.

My "adventure" with an old male ginger cat called Tibbs. I hope you've had your fun.

:oP~


Ryan

Monday, August 15, 2005

What Would You Rather Me Look At?

On the weekend I went out with a group of friends two other males and one female... yes, I have made special provision to specifically mention the one female friend just to keep it at the forefront of your mind.

See, on Saturday night we went and saw the latest comedy flick "Wedding Crashers" starring Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn.

It was a hoot - I never laughed so hard in a film before... and there was a scene where I did the "laughing and crying" thing.

I haven't laughed that hard in ages.

But, that's not what this post is all about... it's about one of the previews shown prior to the movie that had me all agasp...

Has anyone seen the preview for Dukes of Hazard starring Jessica Simpson???

Whoa!

Sure got my heart started!

In fact one of my mates who walked off to the mensroom came back while the preview was showing and had to do a double check on the cinema he walked in to - even though I guarantee he would've stayed if it had been the real movie!!

I was even considering taking back the packet of M&M's that I'd bought - I had my rush for the night!

But, as us boys were having fun watching Jessica Simpson doing her thing (I think she was singing!?), the ONE woman we brought along also started opening her mouth about something, but we couldn't quite hear her.

I was too busy watching. And yes it's true what they say about men only being able to do one things at a time - especially when particular women dance and writhe their bodies over the screen!

By the time the preview finished (which probably took the Guiness Book of World Records for the longest movie trailer - but no bloke would complain about that!) the one woman who sat next to us heaved a heavy sigh and said,

"I don't know what it is with you boys, just dangle a few breasts around, show a bit of leg, pout the lips, contort the body and you all go to jelly."

I could only respond with,

"Well at least you know we're not gay!"

Friday, August 12, 2005

101 Useless Facts About Me

Thanks to an idea inspired by Hannah from Blonde Moments I've decided to do up a similar "Pointless Facts About Me" page.

In no particular order...

1. I still drive my first car - a 1989 Toyota Camry.
2. I love classical music.
3. I prefer non-fiction over fiction.
4. I have this thing for Kate Beckinsale.
5. A woman who has a joyous laugh has a friend for life.
6. I love apricots.
7. If you want to impress me make me a lemon cheesecake... and make it really tart.
8. I fear people might not like the real me so I don't allow them to get too close.
9. I wish I had a normal job.
10. I love the name Charissa... if I don't marry one I'd more than likely choose this name for my first daughter.
11. I'd love to have 2 boys and 2 girls.
12. I enjoyed talking late at night to the girl next door during my high school years.
13. Many people say that I inspire them, but I fail to see what I do that has inspired them.
14. I never want to be fat again.
15. I love this number... don't know why.
16. When I graduated with a Commerce degree majoring in Professional Accounting in 2001 I found out what I didn't want to do in life.
17. I feel uncomfotable telling people what I do for a living.
18. I'm timid towards meeting new people.
19. I hate mini-skirts.
20. But I get easily turned on by women in short shorts! Go figure?!
21. I'll never wear Speedos.
22. I have salt water running through my veins.
23. I cut the web between my feet by walking on a spade once... you could see inside my foot. Oddly enough I didn't feel a thing!
24. I love making people laugh - especially women.
25. I was the class clown in high school.
26. I believe I wrote more lines (i.e. "I shall not do..." x 1,000) than essays during school.
27. I also believe it was the reason why I have such messy handwriting today.
28. I can't dance, but I'd love to learn.
29. I hated Fiji, but I loved the Fijians - Bula!
30. Women who smoke really turn me off.
31. Likewise for women who sware.
32. There's not a board game I really don't like... unless I lose to a woman!! LOL
33. My parents never had me vaccinated, and I'm glad they didn't.
34. I'm ever so thankful of my parents, my brother and my sister. They mean everything to me.
35. Running gives me release.
36. I love the series Amazing Race.
37. And Survivor.
38. You can make any chore fun - just use some imagination.
39. I don't like receiving gifts as I feel as though I need to reciprocate.
40. I can never find the right gift.
41. One previous girlfriend that I only dated for a couple of months took over 5 years to get over me!!! No, I'm not joking.
42. Writing was my first love.
43. Basketball was my second.
44. I left saddened and disappointed after my 10-year high school reunion last year.
45. I'd love to travel the world at least once in my lifetime.
46. I fear my best mate who is getting married next year will have a divorce within the first 5 years of their marriage. Their relationship has been a rocky one ever since it started.
47. I hope I'm wrong.
48. When someone tells me a secret that they don't want anyone else to know I immediately try to forget what they told me.
49. My best friend is a hindrance to my success... although he means well.
50. My mother believes I should have been a forensic scientist.
51. I'm colourblind.
52. In fact I can remember my kindergarten teacher telling me to stand in the corner for making fun of her by colouring the sky purple, the sun green, and the grass brown. I thought I was using the right colours!
53. My mum tore strips off her the next day.
54. I helped 3 guys pass their college exams by sharing my answers with them.
55. I started recording stuff in a journal during my high school years.
56. Since 2004 I have taken up journalling again.
57. I don't think I could handle life in a wheelchair like my good mate Bruce does.
58. I've had 4 stitches in my head and 4 in my back.
59. I had a stuttering problem when I was a kid and hated answering the telephone.
60. There was a period in my life where I viewed pornography online. This was at the loneliest ebb in my life. Thankfully it never overtook me.
61. My favourite book in the Bible is Ecclesiastes.
62. There's only one true pizza: vegetarian.
63. I hate fishing.
64. I can stare at a blank wall for hours.
65. My grandfather has the biggest influence on me.
66. I love snorkelling.
67. I hated all the books we read at school in English class, except for Z for Zachariah.
68. I had to repeat high school because I failed English.
69. My maths teacher helped me in the national mathematics competiton when he wasn't supposed to.
70. I've spent half of my schooling life at public schools and the other half in private schools. Public schools have more heart.
71. I love staring at the stars at night when I'm out of town.
72. I love it when I don't shave for a week.
73. My favourite verse in the Bible is 1 Peter 3:15 which says, But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear.
74. My second favourite verse is like it (1 Thessalonians 5:21) Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.
75. I've never watched one episode of Big Brother.
76. I used to dance with the vacuum cleaner when cleaning the church floors.
77. I consider myself quite creative.
78. I can't curl my tongue.
79. I have no tattoos and no piercings.
80. There's nothing worse than a drunk woman.
81. I'm related to popular Australian TV personality Rove McManus.
82. Out of all the popular fruits I can't stand rockmelon.
83. I hate pork.
84. I love the Irish accent.
85. When I hung up my basketball boots 5 years ago I was told that I was making a big mistake. That person was right.
86. I don't like following the crowd. I dare to be different.
87. I used to tuck myself away in a far corner of the library during my university days.
88. I'm a light sleeper. And I don't snore.
89. Running in the rain feels somewhat spiritual - as if being cleansed.
90. I'm having the time of my life when you see me crying and laughing at the same time.
91. I was sucked out of my mum when I was born.
92. I smiled only days after I was born and fascinated everyone.
93. Sometimes I wonder why God even puts up with me.
94. I love setting goals, I hate it when I fail. I find it difficult setting goals now.
95. I'm an information junkie.
96. I smashed my next door neighbour's window and lied that I didn't do it.
97. I got the cane for helping a girl in class. I think she had a crush on me from that point on.
98. Women should keep their hair down. Nothing beats the sensation a man gets when holding and smelling their woman's locks.
99. Liven yourself up every once in a while by doing something zany.
100. Fast every once in a while too - it allows the body to reset.
101. Dream

*Phew*

I'm spent.

Outta here,

Ryan

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Last Saturday saw me dining in at a good mate's place.

He marinated some steak from the previous night, grilled it up, slapped on some vegies and served it hot.

What more could 3 blokes want? (Yes there were three of us)

But then his fiancee rocks up.

Here's how the night went from there:

*She walks in*
HIM: Would you like something to eat honey?
HER: No thanks, not hungry.
*She walks over to him, pecks him on the cheek and then takes a bite from his plate*
HIM: Are you sure you don't want some? There's plenty left.
HER: No, no, I'm not really that hungry.
*She takes another bite*
HIM: There's half a steak up there if you want it.
HER: I'm fine babe.
*Yet another bite!*
HER: This steak's good. What did you do to it?
HIM: Marinated it.
*Another bite*
*He gets up and serves up another plate with steak and vegies*
*Gives it to her*
HER: O, thanks babe.
*After a few minutes she finishes only the steak that he served on her plate*
HER: I can't eat another thing.
*Starts on her peas*
HIM: You don't need to eat the vegies if you don't want to.
HER: Yeah... I don't think I'm going to be able to eat the vegies.
*Starts on the pumpkin*
HIM: Just leave them on the plate and I'll finish it.
*She starts on her potatoes and by the end finished the whole plate*
HER: Now I'm so full!

By now I'm starting to laugh... as you can no doubt imagine!

Everything she's said since walking in has been completely different to her actions!!

And what freaks me out is that they're getting married next year. I can just imagine it now:
HER: I do.
*Pause*
HIM: Are you sure?
HER: Yes, of course I'm sure.
HIM: But are you *really* sure?
HER: What are you going on about??
HIM: Well... it's just that there have been certain times in the past where what you've said one thing and then done the complete opposite. I just wanted to make sure that this isn't one of those moments.

I think she'd probably slap him at this moment... and maybe walk back down the aisle in a huff.

See, what women say and do are sometimes completely opposite!

...And women wonder why men have such a hard time listening to what they're saying! We watch what you do, not much to what you say.

It's The Little Things

It's the "little things" that matter to women.

When I initially heard this statement I didn't really believe it, or want to believe it, but, I decided to test it out on the woman I had been dating for several years to see whether or not that statement was indeed true.

I asked her something to the effect of:
"What has been the one single most memorable event during our relationship?"

She thought about it for awhile, and as her mind was scanning all the things we had done she smiled when she arrived at what was undoubtably the most memorable event in our relationship according to her.

As I waited for her answer I began scanning my memory banks pre-emting what her answer was going to be. Some of the answers I thought of were big events like travelling to Melbourne for a week, or travelling down to Walpole for the weekend, or something big like that.

But no.

To her the most memorable event of our relationship was the time when I gave her my socks!

I couldn't believe it.

Say what?

Yes, dear friends, the most memorable time of our relationship was the time I gave her my socks:

I had to scan my memory banks REAL hard to bring back that memory, but she remembered it like it was yesterday... and vividly too, here's how the story goes:

It had been a hot Autumn day and we decided for the evening that we were going to watch a movie at one of the outdoor cinema places in the heart of town. We had never been to this place before and were unsure of what to bring, so we didn't bring anything - we assumed everything would be provided (i.e. chairs etc).

No sooner had we arrived and marked our spot on the grass had the cinematic event started. We looked around and noticed that we were pretty much the only ones that were sitting on the grass - everyone else was either sitting on a chair or on a large blanket (some even in sleeping bags!).

As the night wore on we began to feel extremely cold from a constant cool breeze that blew across the river into the outdoor cinema complex. Unfortunately we had dressed in summer gear wearing only cargoes and a t-shirt (or for her one of those singlet styled tops)... and I had nothing in the car that would cover us except golf clubs!

We tried the best we could to keep our body warm, but our fingers and feet were beginning to lose all sense of feeling. Luckily for me I had worn sand shoes, so, seeing the desperate state that my beloved was in I stripped off the shoes and gave her my socks.

It was such a little thing to do, yet she was overjoyed! In fact, for the rest of the night it seemed as though my two over-sized socks warmed her whole body!

When the movie had finished we raced to the car, but not after my beloved had tripped and flopped around a few times from my large size 13 socks.

We had a big laugh in the heated car all the way back home.

... And that was her most memorable event of us!

Socks.

The little things *do* matter with women.

Hopefully all that big expensive stuff was a *close* second!

Saturday, August 06, 2005

What Is It With Blondes?

Believe it or not, but all serious relationships I've had have been with blonde-haired blue-eyed chics.

And from my experience with the women I've been with it's true with what they say about blondes:
  • They do have more fun

  • They are high maintenance

  • They are... "mentally challenged" at times (yes I've experienced such "blonde moments" many times)


But my infatuation with blondes didn't start until I was in my late teens, in fact as I was growing through school I had a hot passion for red heads!!

Maybe that's how it's all working in my life... I'm going the complete sprectrum with hair colours!

Early Teens - Late Teens = red heads
Late Teens - Mid 20s = blondes
Mid 20s - Late 20s = brunettes (??)

But whatever the hair colour there's one type of style I prefer: straight and long (at least shoulder length). Curled does nothing for me, short turns me off (I feel like I'm with another guy!!), and no hair makes me run in the opposite direction!

In fact I gotta agree with God on this, in 1 Corinthians 11:15 it says ...if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her... it's a glory to her and it's glorious for me to watch.

But, I also agree with the statement that men need to enjoy the long hair while it lasts, because as soon as you marry she cuts it short and you're stuck with her for life!

Off to the barbers,

Ryan

Monday, August 01, 2005

Tempted? Sure Am!

There's a new show on Aussie TV at the moment titled Tempation.

It takes after the older series titled Sale of A Century that died many years ago.

(For those unfamiliar with both: they're quiz shows)

I've always been a big fan of quiz shows, but ever since this *new* quiz show I've had a strange attraction to watch it every time I can while eating dinner.

Why?

Two words: Livinia Nixon.

What a woman!

Unfortunately the photos of her don't do her any justice because her smile, her laugh and her personality really shine over the TV set than they do through a staid photo.

What really attracts me most is her personality.

Other female blonde TV show presenters either come across as dumb or uninteresting and sometimes even as both! Livinia seems to love life and you can tell from the way she carries herself that she'd be one fun woman to be around.

So Livinia... you go girl! Give us mere mortals a big wave!!


Ryan

PS - and Livinia, tell your designer(s) and hair stylist(s) that they do a marvellous job on you.