Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The First Kiss

Some people have told me that the worst day is the first day. I mean think about all the first things you've done in life:

  • Your first day on the job where you were introduced to what seemed all the people on the planet *and* then had to remember their name!

  • Your first driving lesson where you just couldn't get that darn stick shift to work

  • Your first kiss...

Most people remember their first kiss, but I think it's important how you define "kiss". See, I'm willing to bet that my first kiss came from my mother... as soon as I was out and cleaned up it was straight to her lips!

And no doubt my father too.

So I was kissed at age 0.

Okay okay how about on the lips of another girl?

Well... that would have been when I was about 7 and I kissed my cousin Tanya. It was one of those innocent kisses and yes it was on the lips.

NO, that's pecking... let me simplify it for you... when was the first time you kissed a girl on the lips and they were not related to you in anyway whatsoever?

What about the six degrees of separation?



I don't think I ever kissed anyone during my schooling years. I was one of those shy kids who wouldn't have been caught dead with another girl... I even went solo to my prom night - that just shows you how shy I was!

Anyway, I think the first kiss would have been my first love Sarah when I was 18.

I didn't know how to kiss even at that age! And even though I took up French class during my high school years hoping that we would get into some in depth discussion about "French kissing", with maybe some practice on some of the hot chics that were in the class, learning the "craft" never came.

Therefore I had to wing it when the time came.

Sarah was my first semi-serious relationship, my first internet relationship (we met on the IRC chat channels), and therefore my first long distance relationship (we lived in the same state, but about 500km apart).

I can recall the warm sensation on my lips followed by a subtle sucking pull when we first had our intimate kiss. I can remember alarm bells in my head ringing,

PULL OUT PULL OUT! She's dragging us in!

So I softly pulled away.

I don't know how many rounds I could take, but I knew that I was going to have to learn and learn fast. Sarah smiled and began reaching in for more.

I couldn't think of anything to do but hug. My body hadn't evolved into the kissing phase yet and I'd have to do some serious practice... but I didn't know where.

After releasing Sarah from the hug my mind quickly snapped and thought of an idea:

I would practice in the toilets!

Excusing myself for a minute I quickly found a nearby public toilet and sat on a vacant seat wondering how I could possibly practice kissing on myself. Initially I begun pouting my lips and squeezing them against my hand. I then went further and begun subtlyly sucking back. A strange noise emanated from the toilets as I begun doing this and it sounded much like ripping pants.

Sarah heard the noise and yelled, "Are you okay in there?"

To which I tried to pull away from the hand that I had nearly swallowed and replied, "Yes".

This wasn't good.

I didn't know what to do and I'd have to wing it yet again. I flushed the toilet.

No sooner had I left the toilet block had Sarah planted another whopping kiss on me. I didn't know what to do. I thought the best policy at this point in time was to just mimic whatever she was doing... I was always a great copier as I used to always get told off in class and had to write thousands of lines of why I shouldn't do this or that. I found by using carbon paper I greatly reduced the amount of time I took to write those stupid lines.

So I copied. Whatever Sarah did I did the same.

Initially it was weird, until I finally began to realise that I needed to do a mirror replication of what she was doing, i.e. if she tilted her head to the right, I had to tilt my head to the left.

Now I was getting the hang of it.

Now I was the man!

So what should you do if you've never had any kissing experience and you're finally in a predicament like I was?

Well first off don't panic. Women are quite forgiving.

Second, just wing it as good as you can and if the mirror approach seems to work well keep doing it.

Lastly, don't practice on a mirror or on your hand just practice on her!

No comments: